Healing as a victim

"Recovery is based upon the empowerment of the survivor and the creation of new connections."

— Judith Herman, Trauma and Recovery

Introduction: the reality of healing

You have made the decision to leave. Or perhaps the relationship has ended. In either case, you are probably asking yourself the question that haunts every survivor of abusive relationships:

How long before I get better?

The short answer from science is both reassuring and disconcerting: it depends. But more importantly: you will get better.

What science says

Research on recovery after domestic abuse gives us a nuanced picture of what to expect.

The large majority of survivors describe healing as a continuous process — not a single event, but a journey that lasts months, even years.

Only a minority of women more than two years past the end of the relationship feel "completely recovered."

A small minority make little or no progress.

What does this mean for you?

First, your experience is normal. If you feel better, then worse, then better again, you are not "relapsing." You are healing.

Second, healing takes time. Researchers who followed survivors over several years found that most continue to progress even after 2–3 years (Does time heal old wounds? Researchers investigate recovery from intimate partner violence, HMRI.). There is no "deadline" to heal.

Third, and most importantly: the large majority of survivors make it through. Despite the pain, despite the trauma, despite the sleepless nights and the doubts — you have a good chance of not only recovering, but of growing through this experience.

Post-traumatic growth: a revolutionary concept

For decades, psychology focused on "trauma" as something that "breaks" you. That perspective has changed.

Recent research on post-traumatic growth — a term coined by the psychologists Tedeschi and Calhoun — shows that many trauma survivors experience positive psychological changes following their experiences.

What science has discovered:

• A significant share of domestic-abuse survivors report "moderate to significant post-traumatic growth"
• The most common areas of growth:
  • Appreciation of life: "I savour the little things now"
  • Deeper relationships: "I know what really matters in my relationships"
  • Personal strength: "I survived this, I can survive anything"
  • Spirituality: "I have found a deeper meaning"
  • New possibilities: "I discovered parts of myself I didn't know"

Crucial clarification

Post-traumatic growth does NOT mean that the trauma was "a good thing." No one chooses trauma. Growth emerges from the process of struggle to cope with the trauma, not from the trauma itself.

As Judith Herman, a pioneer of trauma research, says: "Recovery is based upon the empowerment of the survivor and the creation of new connections."

Why this chapter is different

Unlike previous chapters that focused on understanding or leaving an abusive relationship, this chapter focuses on rebuilding.

We will explore:

1. The 3-phase healing model — what to expect and when
2. The therapies that work — EMDR, CBT, and why they are effective
3. The rebuilding tools — practical exercises for each phase
4. The convergence of the wisdoms — how modern science meets the teachings of Al-Ghazâlî and Jung
5. How to accelerate your healing — what works (and what does not)

The 3-phase healing model

The researcher Judith Herman, in her foundational work Trauma and Recovery, proposed a three-phase model of recovery that remains the reference today in trauma treatment (Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence – From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror, BJPsych Advances.).

This model is important because it gives you a map of the territory you are crossing. Instead of wondering "Am I doing this normally?" you can identify which phase you are in — and what comes next.

Phase 1: safety and stabilisation (0–6 months)

Central goal: Establish physical and emotional safety.

What you are probably feeling:

• "I feel like I'm in a fog"
• "I no longer know who I am"
• "I have panic attacks"
• "I check my phone all the time"
• "I feel guilty for leaving"
• "I feel in danger even when I know they are not there"

What is happening in your brain:

Your nervous system is on maximum alert. After months or years of living in "survival" mode, your brain struggles to tell the difference between "real threat" and "perceived threat." This is why you may startle when someone slams a door, or why your heart races when you see someone who looks like your ex.

Priority actions during this phase

Physical safety

• Documented safety plan (see Chapter 15)
• Local emergency numbers saved
• Change locks if necessary
• Restrict access to your personal information

Emotional stabilisation

• Grounding techniques (anchoring):
  • The 5-4-3-2-1 technique: Name 5 things you see, 4 you can touch, 3 you hear, 2 you smell, 1 you taste
  • Box breathing: Inhale 4 seconds, hold 4, exhale 4, hold 4
• Daily routine: Structure your days — meals, sleep, activity
• Boundaries with the ex: Minimal communication, preferably in writing

Social support

• Identify 2–3 trusted people
• Join a survivor support group
• Consider therapy if you have not already

What does not work

• Forcing the "processing" of the trauma too early — you are not ready
• Blaming yourself for not going "faster"
• Skipping this phase — safety is the foundation

What science says

Research on trauma-informed therapies shows that stabilisation is crucial before any trauma-processing work. Survivors who try to process their trauma before they are physically and emotionally safe have more complications and less progress.

Phase 2: remembrance and mourning (6 months – 2 years)

Central goal: Process the trauma and integrate the experience.

What you are probably feeling:

• "I am ready to understand what happened"
• "I want this behind me"
• "I feel anger now, not just fear"
• "I have nightmares"
• "I remember things I had blocked"
• "I cry a lot — but differently than before"

What is happening:

Your brain begins to process the traumatic memories. Instead of being "stuck" in your emotional memory (amygdala), these memories start to be integrated into your narrative memory (hippocampus). This is why you may begin to "talk" about what happened without being immediately overwhelmed.

Priority actions during this phase

Trauma-processing therapy

• EMDR (see section below)
• Trauma-focused CBT
• Gradual exposure therapy
• Group therapy (very effective at this stage)

Structured writing

• Writing about the experience in an organised way
• Identifying patterns
• Expressing repressed emotions

Active mourning

• Crying for what was lost (time, trust, hope)
• Recognising the "little deaths" — the aspects of yourself that were sacrificed
• Not "shortening" the mourning process

What is characteristic of this phase:

• You will begin to remember things you had repressed
• You will feel intense anger — this is normal and healthy
• You will make back-and-forths — one day you are fine, the next you are at the bottom of the hole
• You will begin to understand what happened — and it is painful

What science says

Research shows that it is in this phase that EMDR therapy is most effective (Three-Stage Recovery Model, Counselling Tutor). A 2025 meta-analysis showed that EMDR improves long-term psychological well-being in adults with childhood trauma. What is more, the effects tend to increase over time rather than diminish — that is, you continue to benefit from the therapy months or even years later.

Phase 3: reintegration and reconstruction (2+ years)

Central goal: Re-engagement in life and post-traumatic growth.

What you are probably feeling:

• "I can talk about it without crying"
• "I have learned things about myself"
• "I know what I want in my relationships"
• "I no longer feel the need to define myself by this trauma"
• "I want to help others" (very common at this stage)

What is happening:

The trauma is no longer at the centre of your identity. It becomes a part of your story, not all of your story. You begin to project yourself into the future, not only to manage the past.

Priority actions during this phase

Relational re-engagement

• New (healthier) friendships
• Romantic relationships (if you wish)
• Connection with family (if healthy)

Future projects

• Career, education, passions
• Goals and dreams
• Social engagement (volunteering, supporting others)

Continuous growth

• Learning new skills
• Practising mindfulness
• Spirituality or a philosophy of life

What science says

It is at this stage that researchers observe the most post-traumatic growth. A 2022 study followed survivors over several years and found that those who reached this phase reported:

• Better self-esteem than before the trauma (counter-intuitive but real)
• More authentic relationships — they know what matters
• Greater resilience in the face of future challenges
• A clearer sense of meaning

The therapies that work

You have probably heard of different therapies for trauma. Which one to choose? Which one really works?

Meta-analyses (studies that combine the results of hundreds of other studies) give us clear answers.

EMDR: Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing

What is it?

EMDR is a therapy developed by Francine Shapiro in 1987. It uses bilateral eye movements (or other forms of bilateral stimulation such as tapping) while you remember traumatic events.

Why does it work?

The theory is that trauma "freezes" memories in the emotional brain (amygdala) without them being properly processed by the rational brain (prefrontal cortex). Bilateral stimulation seems to "unblock" this processing, allowing the brain to integrate the traumatic memory appropriately.

What science says

A 2014 meta-analysis with 565 citations specifically examined the effectiveness of psychological treatments for PTSD in adult survivors of childhood abuse. The conclusions:

• EMDR is as effective as trauma-focused CBT
• The effects are maintained long-term
• Effect sizes tend to increase at follow-up

A more recent 2023 study (28 citations) analysing 21 comparisons found that EMDR produces a significant decrease in trauma-related symptoms.

A fascinating recent finding (2025):

A transnational meta-analysis published in the Journal of EMDR demonstrated that EMDR improves long-term psychological well-being in adults with childhood trauma, with effects that strengthen over time.

Important note

EMDR must be practised by an EMDR-certified therapist. Not all psychologists are trained in this specific technique.

CBT: cognitive-behavioral therapy (trauma-focused)

What is it?

CBT is a therapy that focuses on the link between thoughts (cognitions), emotions, and behaviours. Trauma-focused CBT is a version adapted specifically for trauma survivors.

Why does it work?

Trauma creates negative beliefs about yourself ("I am worthless," "I deserve this") and the world ("People are dangerous," "I cannot trust anyone"). CBT helps identify and modify these beliefs.

What science says

A 2011 study with 365 citations examined the effectiveness of CBT for PTSD and depression following interpersonal trauma. The conclusions:

• CBT is significantly effective at reducing symptoms of PTSD and depression
• Survivors receiving CBT have a reduced risk of future victimisation — crucial for breaking the cycle

A 2014 systematic review found that interventions combining CBT + advocacy (rights defence, legal support, etc.) reduce physical and psychological violence.

A new approach: online CBT (ICBT)

A recent study tested Internet-delivered CBT, individually adapted for survivors of domestic abuse. The results:

• Comparable effectiveness to face-to-face CBT
• More accessible — no transport, no waiting
• Particularly useful for survivors in rural areas or who cannot leave their home

Group therapy

What is it?

Therapy in a small group (6–10 people) led by a professional, where each participant shares their experience and receives support.

Why does it work?

Domestic abuse is isolating by definition. Your ex probably cut your social ties. Group therapy recreates these connections.

What science says

Research notes that group therapy is particularly effective for survivors because it allows them to connect with others who "truly understand their pain", offering peer support in addition to the therapeutic intervention (Intimate partner violence: A group cognitive-behavioral therapy approach, APA Division 49 - Group Psychology.).

Additional benefits:

• Reduction of shame ("I am not the only one")
• Learning from others ("She did that, it could work for me")
• Cheaper than individual therapy
• Creates a lasting support network

Arts therapies (art therapy, play therapy)

For mothers with children:

A 2020 pilot study (91 citations) examined a trauma-informed art and play therapy for mothers and children in situations of domestic abuse. The results:

• Promising for mitigating the effects of domestic abuse on mothers and children
• Strengthens the mother-child bond (often damaged by the violence)
• Allows expression when words are lacking

Which therapy to choose?

If you…	Recommended therapy
Have intrusive traumatic memories (flashbacks, nightmares)	EMDR
Have negative thoughts about yourself ("I am worthless")	Trauma-focused CBT
Feel isolated and want to meet other survivors	Group therapy
Have children and want to heal together	Arts therapy
Live far from services or cannot travel	Online CBT

Important

You can combine several approaches. For example: individual EMDR + group therapy.

When lucidity becomes suspicion

This book has equipped you to spot the signs. There is a side effect, especially after an abusive relationship: hypervigilance. Your brain, traumatised, constantly scans new relationships for danger — and finds it everywhere, because it is looking everywhere.

This is a symptom, not a skill. Confusing the two has a real cost: the destruction of otherwise healthy relationships, loneliness, and the conviction that "everywhere, it is the same" — when it is the filter, not the world, that is distorted.

How to tell lucidity apart from traumatic suspicion?

• Base rate. If, for you, nine out of ten relationships trigger the "toxic" alarm, the problem is not the nine relationships: it is the threshold, set too low by the trauma. Most people are not abusers.
• Pattern versus incident. An isolated sign is not a pattern. Look for repetition before concluding — see the caution on false positives in the chapter Early warning signs.
• Jealousy or anxious attachment? The fear of abandonment and the constant need for reassurance are not always signs that the other person is controlling you: they are, often, your own wounds speaking, and they can be healed.
• Intuition or projection? Intuition relies on real, present signals. Projection sticks onto the other person the traits of the one who hurt you. One informs, the other repeats.

What helps. Time first — the alarm system settles with repeated safety. A trauma therapy (EMDR, CBT) that defuses the triggers instead of rationalising them. And the discipline of not deciding alone: the opinion of a trusted loved one or a therapist straightens the filter far better than your own rumination.

Lucidity is not the absence of trust: it is well-placed trust. Leaving an abusive relationship should not condemn you to never trust again.

Post-traumatic growth: transforming pain into strength

We have already mentioned this concept, but it deserves a deeper exploration because it radically changes the perspective on healing.

What is post-traumatic growth (PTG)?

Definition: PTG refers to positive psychological changes that result from the struggle with highly demanding life circumstances.

What it is not

• Not an excuse for the trauma ("It was a good thing")
• Not something you "force" ("I must grow from this")
• Not proof that you are "strong" ("I deserved this to learn")
• Not an obligation ("I must be positive now")

What it is

• A natural by-product of the process of struggling to rebuild
• Real, measurable changes in personality, relationships, spirituality
• Something that emerges naturally — you cannot "force" it

The 5 domains of post-traumatic growth

The research of Tedeschi and Calhoun identified five domains where survivors report growth:

1. Appreciation of Life

• Before: "I take things for granted"
• After: "I savour every moment, every person who matters"
• Testimony: "Before, I would get angry over trivial things. Now, when I see a sunset, or when I laugh with my friends, I realise how precious it is."

2. Deeper Relationships

• Before: Superficial or toxic relationships
• After: Priority on authentic connections
• Testimony: "I lost 'friends' who were not really friends. I kept 2–3 true friends. And that is enough. It is better."

3. Increased Personal Strength

• Before: "I will not survive this"
• After: "I survived this. I can survive anything."
• Testimony: "When I meet difficulties now, I tell myself: 'You faced your worst nightmare. You can handle this.'"

4. Spirituality or Philosophy of Life

• Before: Perhaps no reflection on meaning
• After: Deeper questioning
• Testimony: "I did not become religious, but I developed a philosophy: kindness, first toward myself."

5. New Possibilities

• Before: A limited, restricted life
• After: Opening to new paths
• Testimony: "I had always wanted to write. My ex said it was stupid. Today, I have finished my first book. I would never have had the courage without facing my fears."

How to foster post-traumatic growth (without forcing it)

What science says

Research indicates that PTG is not correlated with the severity of the trauma (a more severe trauma does not mean more growth), but rather with the way one copes with it.

Factors that foster PTG:

• Social support — understanding entourage
• Emotional openness — the capacity to feel and express your emotions
• Acceptance — recognising that the trauma happened (not the same as accepting it as "just")
• Meaning-making — finding meaning in the experience
• Personal narrative — creating a coherent story of what happened

Factors that block PTG:

• Extreme avoidance — refusing to think about the trauma (not to be confused with the necessary stabilisation in Phase 1)
• Toxic shame — "It is my fault," "I am a bad person"
• Isolation — no support
• Negative rumination — looping over "Why me?" without looking for answers

Crucial note

Post-traumatic growth is not mandatory. You have the right to just "return to normal" without becoming a "better version" of yourself. Healing, not growth, is the goal. Growth is a bonus, not a requirement.

Convergence of the Wisdoms

One of the central theses of this book is that all the wisdoms converge. Healing from trauma is no exception.

Al-Ghazâlî: the 4 cardinal virtues applied to healing

Let us recall Al-Ghazâlî's 4 mother virtues:

1. Wisdom: intelligence, relevance, finesse

Application to healing:

• Understanding what happened — awareness of patterns
• Discernment in future relationships — recognising the red flags
• Self-knowledge — identifying your values, your limits

Concrete example:

A survivor develops "relational wisdom" by learning to distinguish:

• Constructive vs. destructive criticism
• Passion vs. obsession (love bombing)
• Difference of viewpoint vs. invalidation

2. Courage: valour, nobility, endurance

Application to healing:

• Facing the trauma — not avoiding it forever
• Enduring the healing process — even when it hurts
• Valour in leaving — an immense act of courage

Concrete example:

Every therapy session where you revisit painful memories is an act of courage. Every day you choose not to contact your ex is nobility of character.

3. Continence: generosity, modesty, sobriety

Application to healing:

• Healthy boundaries — knowing how to say no
• Emotional moderation — feeling without being overwhelmed
• Self-respect — treating yourself with kindness

Concrete example:

Instead of allowing yourself to "explode" emotionally (which is understandable), the survivor learns to manage their emotions:

"I am angry. I am going to express this anger in a healthy way (sport, writing, therapy) without hurting myself or others."

4. Justice: overall balance

Application to healing:

• Recognising that the abuse was not your fault — justice toward yourself
• Restoring inner balance — neither underestimating nor overestimating your responsibility
• Fair treatment of yourself — not inflicting on yourself what you would not inflict on a friend

Concrete example:

The survivor realises:

"I did not choose to be abused. But I have a choice in how I heal. I am not going to blame myself for what I did not control, but I am going to take responsibility for my healing."

(Al-Ghazâlî (1058–1111). Ihyâ' 'ulûm al-dîn, Book XXII — The Cardinal Virtues.)

Jung: individuation and integration of the Shadow

Carl Jung, the father of analytical psychology, developed concepts that resonate strangely with healing from trauma.

1. Individuation: becoming fully oneself

Jungian definition: The process by which a person becomes a psychological "individual" — distinct from collective psychology and autonomous.

Application to healing:

In an abusive relationship, your identity is fragmented. You became:

• What your ex said you were
• What they needed you to be
• What was "safe" to be

Healing is a process of individuation:

• Recovering who you were before the relationship
• Discovering who you are now (after everything you have been through)
• Becoming who you want to be in the future

Concrete example:

"Before Marc, I loved to paint. During our three years, I stopped. Today, I have picked up the brushes again. And I discovered a new passion: pottery. I am in the process of becoming myself again, but a more complete version of me."

2. Shadow work: integrating the refused parts of oneself

Jungian definition: The "Shadow" is the unconscious part of the personality, often projected onto others.

Application to healing:

Trauma survivors often have two "shadows":

Shadow 1: the "weak" part of oneself

• "I am pathetic for having stayed"
• "I must have done something to attract this"
• "I am stupid"

Integration: Recognising that vulnerability is human, not a flaw. As Jung said: "There is no light without shadow."

Shadow 2: the "angry" part of oneself

• "I want them to suffer"
• "I feel cruel for thinking this"
• "I am a bad person"

Integration: Recognising that anger is a healthy and normal emotion. It tells you: "This was not OK." Integrating it means: "I can feel anger without acting destructively."

Therapy as shadow work:

In EMDR or CBT therapies, you do exactly that — integrate the parts of your experience that you had rejected ("I don't want to think about that"), transforming the shadow into light.

Convergence with modern science

What is fascinating is that today's evidence-based therapies converge with these ancient wisdoms:

Ancient wisdoms	Modern science	Convergence
Justice (Al-Ghazâlî) — recognising that it was not your fault	Cognitive therapies — modifying irrational beliefs ("I am guilty")	Both aim to restore the truth about yourself
Courage (Al-Ghazâlî) — facing the trauma	Gradual exposure — revisiting the trauma in a safe setting	Both recognise that avoidance perpetuates the trauma
Individuation (Jung) — becoming oneself	Post-traumatic growth — emerging strengthened from trauma	Both see trauma as an opportunity for transformation
Integration of the Shadow (Jung)	EMDR — integrating fragmented memories	Both seek to "gather" the fragments of oneself

Conclusion of this section:

Healing from trauma is not a modern invention. Human beings have always sought to rebuild themselves after hardship. What has changed is that we now have the science to illuminate what the sages knew intuitively.

Practical exercises for each phase

Now that we have explored the theory, let us move to practice. Here are concrete exercises for each phase of healing.

Exercise 1: the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique (phase 1)

When to use it?

When you feel a panic attack rising, when you are overwhelmed by memories, when you feel "disconnected" from reality.

How to do it:

1. Look around you and name:
   • 5 things you see (e.g.: "I see a blue lamp, a book, a plant…")
   • 4 things you can touch (e.g.: "I feel the texture of the sofa, my clothes…")
   • 3 things you hear (e.g.: "I hear the traffic, the fridge, my breathing")
   • 2 things you can smell (e.g.: "I smell the fragrance of my tea, the soap on my hands")
   • 1 thing you can taste (e.g.: "I taste the coffee I am drinking")
2. Say it out loud or write it down if possible
3. Breathe deeply 3 times

Why does it work?

This exercise anchors your brain in the present. Trauma pulls you into the past; grounding brings you back to the here and now.

Scientific basis

Grounding techniques are recommended by all guidelines on trauma treatment (Phases of Trauma Recovery, Trauma-Informed Canada.). They activate the prefrontal cortex (reasoning) which calms the amygdala (fear).

Exercise 2: 3-part therapeutic healing writing (phase 2)

When to use it?

When you are ready to process what happened (generally after 3–6 months of stability).

How to do it:

Every evening, write for 15–20 minutes on the three following prompts:

Part 1: What I felt today

• "Today, I felt…" (anger, sadness, fear, hope, etc.)
• "What triggered this emotion is…"
• "I felt it in my body (chest, throat, stomach)…"

Part 2: What I learned about myself

• "Today, I discovered that…"
• "I am capable of…"
• "I need…"

Part 3: A small step toward my healing

• "Today, I did…" (even minimally: "I called a friend," "I took out the rubbish," "I laughed at a film")
• "Tomorrow, I am going to…" (a concrete, achievable action)

Rules:

• Write without censoring yourself — no one will read it
• Be honest, even if it is painful
• Do not judge what you write
• Do not go back over what you wrote on previous days

Why does it work?

The act of putting words on the experience helps your brain process the trauma. Studies show that expressive writing reduces PTSD symptoms and improves immune function.

Exercise 3: letter to the past self (phase 2–3)

When to use it?

When you begin to have perspective on what happened (generally 6–12 months after the end of the relationship).

How to do it:

Step 1: write to the "you" before the relationship

• Imagine you meet the "you" from before the abusive relationship
• What would you want to say to them?
• What warnings would you give them?

Step 2: write to the "you" during the relationship

• Imagine speaking to the "you" who was in the middle of the abusive relationship
• What would you want to say to them?
• "I know you did your best with what you knew…"
• "I am sorry you lived through this…"

Step 3: write to the "you" of today

• What does the current "you" feel?
• What are they proud of?
• What do they wish for their future?

Optional: write to the ex (without sending)

• This letter is NOT to send to your ex
• It is for you — to externalise everything you would have wanted to say
• Anger, sadness, accusation, forgiveness, explanation — everything goes
• When it is written, burn it or tear it up

Why does it work?

This exercise helps to integrate the different versions of yourself — the "you" from before, during, and after the trauma. It is an exercise in Jungian individuation.

Exercise 4: emotional safety plan (phase 1–2)

When to use it?

From the end of the relationship, to prevent emotional "relapses."

How to do it:

Create a document (on paper or phone) with the following sections:

Section A: my triggers

• What makes me relapse? (e.g.: seeing their name, a song, a place, a certain time of day)
• "When I see/hear/feel [X], I immediately feel…"
• "My body reacts by…"

Section B: my toolbox

• List 5–10 things that help me when I am triggered:
  • "Call [my safety contact's name]"
  • "Do the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding exercise"
  • "Listen to this specific playlist"
  • "Take a hot shower"
  • "Go out and walk for 10 minutes"

Section C: my safety network

• "Person 1: [Name], phone: [number], available: [hours]"
• "Person 2: [Name], phone: [number], available: [hours]"
• "Helpline: ________"
• "Local emergencies: ________"

Section D: what I tell myself when things go wrong

• Write affirmations based on reality (not toxic "positive thinking")
• Examples:
  • "This will not last forever"
  • "I have been through worse"
  • "I am not my emotions"
  • "I am getting better, even if I do not feel it all the time"

Rule: Keep this plan with you at all times. When you are overwhelmed, it is hard to think clearly — this plan does the thinking for you.

Exercise 5: post-traumatic growth map (phase 3)

When to use it?

When you begin to feel better, generally after 1–2 years.

How to do it:

Take a sheet of paper and draw five columns (one for each domain of PTG):

1. Appreciation of life

• "Before the trauma, I took for granted…"
• "Now, I appreciate…"
• Small concrete change: "Every day, I am going to…" (e.g.: "send a thank-you message to someone")

2. Deeper relationships

• "Before, my relationships were…"
• "Now, I value…"
• Small concrete change: "This week, I am going to contact…" (e.g.: "a friend I have lost touch with")

3. Personal strength

• "I thought I could not survive…"
• "Now, I know that…"
• Small concrete change: "I am going to take on a challenge that scares me…" (e.g.: "take this class," "go to this event alone")

4. Spirituality or philosophy

• "Before, I did not reflect on the meaning of…"
• "Now, I believe/value…"
• Small concrete change: "I am going to make time for…" (e.g.: "meditate," "read philosophy," "spend time in nature")

5. New possibilities

• "I had never considered…"
• "Now, I want to explore…"
• Small concrete change: "I am going to try…" (e.g.: "a new hobby," "a new trip," "a new career")

Rule: Do not do everything at once. Choose ONE small change per week.

Exercise 6: reconnection with the body (all phases)

Why this exercise?

Trauma is stored in the body. Bessel van der Kolk, a renowned trauma expert, titled his book The Body Keeps the Score. To heal, the body must also heal.

When to use it?

At any time, but particularly when you feel "in your head" (too many thoughts) and disconnected from your sensations.

Option A: Body Scan (5–10 minutes)

1. Lie down or sit comfortably
2. Close your eyes
3. Pay attention successively to each part of the body:
   • "I feel my feet… how do I feel them?" (cold, warm, tense, relaxed…)
   • "I feel my ankles, my calves, my knees…"
   • Move up to the head
4. Without judgement, observe what you feel
5. Note whether there are zones of tension or pain

Option B: Free Movement (10–15 minutes)

1. Put on music you like
2. Let your body move without choreography
3. No "good" or "bad" movement — just what comes
4. If you cry, that is OK. If you laugh, that is OK
5. If you feel like hitting a cushion, do it (it is liberating)

Option C: Mindful Walking (15–30 minutes)

1. Go out for a walk (preferably in nature)
2. Instead of thinking about your worries, pay attention to:
   • Your feet touching the ground
   • The wind on your skin
   • The smells around you
   • The colours you see
3. Each time your mind wanders, gently bring it back to your sensations

Scientific basis

Somatic (body-based) therapies are increasingly recognised as essential in trauma treatment. They help regulate the nervous system and integrate the trauma.

Summary of key points

1. Healing is possible, but it is a process

   • The large majority of survivors progress continually
   • Healing is not a destination, it is a journey

2. The 3-phase model gives you a map

   • Phase 1 (0–6 months): Safety and stabilisation — focus on safety above all
   • Phase 2 (6 months–2 years): Processing and mourning — trauma therapy, integration
   • Phase 3 (2+ years): Reintegration and growth — reconstruction, new possibilities

3. Evidence-based therapies really work

   • EMDR: Processes traumatic memories, long-term effects
   • Trauma-focused CBT: Modifies negative beliefs, reduces relapse
   • Group therapy: Reduces isolation, connection with other survivors
   • Online CBT: Accessible, as effective as face-to-face CBT

4. Post-traumatic growth is real

   • It is NOT that the trauma was "good"
   • It is a by-product of the struggle to rebuild
   • 5 domains: appreciation of life, relationships, personal strength, spirituality, new possibilities

5. Science meets the ancient wisdoms

   • Al-Ghazâlî: Wisdom, Courage, Continence, Justice — the virtues that facilitate healing
   • Jung: Individuation and integration of the Shadow — becoming oneself again
   • These concepts converge with modern therapies

6. Practical exercises accelerate healing

   • Grounding for crises (Phase 1)
   • Therapeutic writing for processing (Phase 2)
   • Letter to the past self for integration (Phase 2–3)
   • Emotional safety plan for prevention (Phase 1–2)
   • PTG map for growth (Phase 3)
   • Bodily reconnection for integration (all phases)

7. You are not alone

   • Professionals and associations in your region
   • Therapists specialised in trauma
   • Support groups
   • Books and online resources