Change is possible for the oppressor: difficult, slow, demanding total commitment, but real.

Healing as an oppressor

"Change is possible. Not easy. Not fast. Not linear. But possible."

— Chapter 17, The path of true renewal

Introduction: the reality of change

If you are reading this chapter, you are probably asking yourself one of the hardest questions a person can ask themselves:

Can I really change?

Perhaps you have already lost your partner because of your behaviour. Perhaps your relationship is falling apart. Perhaps a court has ordered you to attend a program. Or perhaps, quite simply, you have started to realise that something is wrong.

The short answer from science is: Yes, change is possible.

The complete answer is more nuanced: Change is possible, but it is difficult, slow, and demands total commitment.

What science says

Research on intervention programs for oppressors (known as BIPs — batterer intervention programs) gives us a realistic picture of what to expect.

The recidivism rate is significantly lower among oppressors who have completed an intervention program than among those who follow none at all.

That is a meaningful improvement, but it also tells us something crucial: most oppressors do not change completely.

The reasons? They are many:

Lack of motivation: Many never truly accept that they have a problem
Dropping out of the program: Dropout rates are high
Underlying problems: Personality disorders, unresolved trauma
Lack of support: A return to an environment that does not support change

But for those who commit seriously, who complete the programs, and who sustain their efforts over the long term (5–15 years), the chances of real change are significantly higher.

Who can really change?

Source: research on perpetrator typology (Perpetrator typology research in intimate partner violence, ScienceDirect).

Researchers have identified three main types of oppressors, with very different prognoses:

Type of oppressor	Percentage	Prognosis	Response to treatment
Family-only	~70%	Best	Responds well to CBT approaches
Generally violent	~20%	More difficult	Requires an intensive approach
Dysphoric/Borderline	~10%	Variable	Responds to dialectical approaches (DBT)

The good news? The majority of oppressors (about 70%) fall into the "Family-only" category — those who use violence only within their family, but not elsewhere. This group has the best prognosis for change.

The challenge? You cannot diagnose yourself. Only a trained professional can assess your type and recommend the appropriate approach.

The 5-stage model of change

Change is not a single event. It is a gradual process, often non-linear, with advances and relapses. Understanding where you are in this process can help you persevere.

Stage 1: precontemplation (denial)

Characteristics:

"I don't have a problem"
"They provoke me"
"If they didn't do that, I wouldn't react this way"
A lack of introspection about the abusive nature of the behaviour

What you probably feel:

Anger when someone questions your behaviour
A sense of being unfairly accused
The conviction that you are the real victim

Reality check

At this stage, you are not ready to change. That is normal. But as long as you stay in denial, change is impossible. The first step toward change is to recognise that there is a problem.

What science says:

Research shows that oppressors in the precontemplation stage have the highest rate of treatment failure. Forced motivation (a court order) can help get you into treatment, but intrinsic motivation is necessary for real change.

Stage 2: contemplation (ambivalence)

Characteristics:

"Maybe I do have a problem…"
"I don't want to be like this, but I don't know how to change"
Ambivalence: you want to change, but you are afraid of what that means

What you probably feel:

Confusion: you start to see your behaviour differently
Shame: realising that you have hurt someone you loved
Fear: fear of losing control, fear of admitting you were wrong

Why this stage is crucial:

This is where the seed of change is planted. You are not yet ready to act, but you are beginning to consider the possibility that something must change.

What science says:

Motivational approaches are particularly effective at this stage. They help resolve ambivalence by exploring the benefits and costs of change versus the status quo.

Stage 3: preparation (commitment)

Characteristics:

"I want to change"
Active search for resources (therapist, support group, books)
Concrete planning of first steps

What you probably feel:

Determination: you are ready to do the necessary work
Anxiety: change is frightening
Cautious optimism: you are starting to believe it is possible

Concrete actions at this stage:

Find a therapist who specialises in abusive behaviour
Join a BIP or a support group
Tell trusted people about your decision to change
Identify your triggers and your patterns

What science says:

People in the preparation stage who move to action within 30 days have a significantly higher chance of success. The key: turn intention into action quickly.

Stage 4: action (visible change)

Characteristics:

Real, observable behavioural changes
Active engagement in therapy or a program
Changes in relationships (not only with your partner)

What you concretely do:

You stop controlling behaviours
You learn to manage your anger differently
You respect other people's boundaries
You take responsibility for your actions (no "but they…")

Important reality

At this stage, you may be tempted to think you are "cured". You are not cured — you are in the process of changing. It is a beginning, not an end.

What science says:

Cognitive-behavioural therapies (CBT) are particularly effective at this stage. They help modify the thoughts and beliefs that support the abusive behaviour.

Stage 5: maintenance (stability)

Characteristics:

Consolidation of changes
Active relapse prevention
Changes sustained for 6+ months (ideally 2+ years)

What you feel:

Your new behaviours become more natural
You feel more in control of your reactions
You can identify and manage high-risk situations

Danger at this stage

Overconfidence ("I'm cured, I don't need help anymore") is a frequent cause of relapse. Maintenance often requires ongoing support for years.

What science says:

15-year follow-up studies show that relapse risks remain high during the first 5–6 years, then decrease significantly (Redondo, S., et al. (2025). Op. cit.). Long-term support is crucial.

The therapies that work

You may be wondering: "Which therapy should I choose? Which one really works?" Meta-analyses (studies combining the results of hundreds of other studies) give us clear answers.

Cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT)

What is it?

CBT focuses on the link between your thoughts (cognitions), your emotions, and your behaviours. The idea: change your thoughts, and your behaviours will change.

Why does it work for oppressors?

Abusive behaviours are sustained by irrational beliefs:

"I must control to be respected"
"If they leave me, I am worthless"
"Anger is the only acceptable emotion for a man"
"I am the boss, so I am right"

CBT helps identify and modify these beliefs.

What science says:

Studies show that CBT is significantly effective for reducing anger and improving impulse control (Sousa, C., et al. (2024). Op. cit.). Improvements in anger control predict lower recidivism at 1, 3, and 5 years.

Limitations:

Less effective for severe personality disorders (notably narcissism)
Requires your active motivation
Demands work between sessions (exercises, therapeutic writing)

Motivational approaches

What is it?

Motivational interviewing is a collaborative approach that helps you explore and resolve your ambivalence about change.

Why does it work?

Unlike confrontational approaches ("You're an oppressor!"), the motivational approach:

Is non-judgmental
Respects your autonomy
Explores your own reasons to change
Strengthens your confidence in your ability to change

What science says:

A meta-analysis with 117 citations showed that motivational strategies (Santirso, F. A., et al. (2020). Op. cit.):

Reduce recidivism significantly
Improve engagement in treatment
Reduce dropout rates
Are particularly effective in the early stages of change

Group therapy

What is it?

Therapy in a small group (6–12 people) where each participant shares their experience and receives feedback.

Why does it work?

You realise you are not alone with your problems
You learn from others who are at different stages of change
You receive direct feedback from your peers
You develop empathy by listening to others

What science says:

Group therapy is particularly effective for breaking denial. Hearing other men and other women describe similar patterns helps you recognise your own behaviours.

Promising new approaches

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)

Focus on psychological flexibility rather than anger control
5-year follow-up shows lasting effects
Accept difficult emotions without giving in to them

Schema Therapy (for personality disorders)

Works on early maladaptive schemas
Particularly relevant for oppressors with childhood trauma

True vs false renewal: how to tell them apart

The most dangerous trap for oppressors who want to change: false renewal. You feel you have changed, but the underlying patterns are still there.

Indicators of true change

1. Complete responsibility

"I did that AND it is entirely my responsibility"
No minimising: "It wasn't that bad"
No justifying: "But they provoked…"
Recognition of the impact on the victim: not only on yourself

Concrete example:

False: "I'm sorry I yelled at you, but you pushed me over the edge."

True: "I yelled at you. That was unacceptable. No matter what you did, I am responsible for my reaction."

2. Observable behavioural changes

Not only promises or good intentions
Actions consistent over time (a minimum of 6–12 months)
Changes in all relationships, not only with your partner
Visible changes to third parties (friends, family, colleagues)

Concrete example:

If your friends say "You seem different, calmer", that is a good sign.

If only your partner sees a change (and no one else does), be sceptical.

3. Developed empathy

The ability to feel the other's pain (not just intellectually)
A deep understanding of the impact of your actions
Sincere remorse, not just fear of consequences
Can identify and name the other's emotions

The empathy test:

When your partner (or ex-partner) expresses pain about what you did:

False change: You defend yourself, you minimise, you explain "why" you acted that way
True change: You listen, you validate their feelings, you do not try to justify yourself

4. Psychological introspection

Understanding the patterns of your behaviour
Recognition of your personal triggers (stress, alcohol, jealousy, etc.)
Concrete strategies to manage those triggers
Understanding why you acted that way (roots: childhood, trauma, role models received)

5. Humility and willingness to learn

Openness to feedback, even when it is painful
Active search for support and help
Acceptance of future responsibility (not "I'm cured", but "I must stay vigilant")
Recognition of your vulnerability to relapse

Indicators of false change

1. Conditional responsibility

"I'm sorry BUT…"
"I didn't mean to do that, it just happened"
Partial blame on the other person or circumstances
Minimising the severity ("It was just an argument")

Reality check

If you use the word "but" in your apology ("I'm sorry, but…"), it is not real responsibility.

2. Temporary changes (the honeymoon)

"Honeymoon behaviour" that lasts a few weeks
A return to old patterns under stress
Changes only when monitored or under pressure
Improvement quickly followed by relapse

What science says:

Researchers call this the "flight into health" (flight into health) (How should narcissism be treated best?, Lancet Psychiatry) — a superficial improvement that masks the underlying problems. It is particularly common among narcissistic oppressors.

3. Absence of empathy

Focus on the consequences for yourself (prison, job loss, divorce)
"I'm going to prison" vs "I hurt them"
Self-victimisation ("I'm the one who suffers most")
Indifference to the other's pain

Critical test:

When you think about what you did, do you feel:

True change: Shame for having hurt someone
False change: Anger at having negative consequences

4. Persistent minimising or denial

"It wasn't that bad"
"They exaggerate everything"
"It was just a normal argument"
Refusal to recognise the abusive pattern

5. Resistance to feedback

Anger or defensiveness when someone questions your behaviour
Refusal to explore root causes
Defensive attitude or counterattack
Rejection of emotional responsibilities

A lucidity test: are you in true change?

Answer honestly the following questions:

1. If your partner or ex-partner told you that you haven't changed, how would you react?

I would get angry — they don't see my efforts
I would be hurt but I would listen to them
I would honestly reflect — maybe they are right

2. When you think about your past behaviour, what is your dominant feeling?

Anger toward the other person for having reported you
Shame for what you did
Indifference — it's the past

3. What motivates you to change?

Avoiding prison / losing custody of the children
Getting my partner back
Becoming a better person, regardless of the consequences

4. If you had a relapse (an abusive behaviour), how would you handle it?

I would hide it
I would justify it
I would admit it and ask for help

Scoring:

If you checked mostly the first options: You are probably in a false renewal
If you checked mostly the last options: You are probably in a true process of change

The challenge of narcissism

If you are reading this thinking "I'm not narcissistic, I'm just…", this may be exactly the moment to stop and reflect.

A difficult reality: Oppressors with narcissistic traits have a much harder time changing.

Why narcissism complicates change

Characteristics of narcissistic oppressors:

Deep lack of empathy — they don't truly feel the other's pain
Entitlement — they believe they have the right to control
Need for admiration — they change to be approved of, not out of empathy
Narcissistic reaction (rage) when the ego is threatened
Sophisticated manipulation — they can appear to have changed without truly having changed

What science says:

Studies show that (Kealy, D., et al. (2023). Op. cit.):

Narcissistic oppressors are less likely to complete programs
They have a higher relapse rate
Their changes are often superficial ("flight into health")
Lack of introspection is a major obstacle

A realistic prognosis

Can narcissism be healed?

The honest answer: Partially, with limits.

Specialised therapies (schema therapy, transference-focused psychotherapy, mentalisation-based therapy) can help, but:

It is a long-term process (5–10 years minimum)
Motivation is the critical factor
Changes are often partial
Many narcissists abandon therapy

A lucidity test for narcissists

If you think:

"I'm not narcissistic, I'm just confident"

"Other people are too sensitive"

"I understand everything, it's them who don't understand me"

…you are probably in narcissistic denial. The first step toward change is to admit: "I have narcissistic traits, and they hurt me and others."

Convergence of the Wisdoms

As with the healing of victims, ancient wisdoms converge remarkably with what modern science tells us about the change of oppressors.

Al-Ghazâlî: the 4 cardinal virtues applied to oppressors

1. wisdom (intelligence, relevance, subtlety)

Application to healing:

Understand the roots of your abusive behaviour
- Why do I react this way?
- What are my patterns?
- What are my triggers?
Discernment in your future relationships
- Recognise the warning signs
- Identify high-risk situations
Self-knowledge — the most difficult
- Admit "I am capable of kindness AND of violence"
- Acknowledge your shadow side (see Jung below)

Concrete example:

A man realises that his pathological jealousy comes from his own insecurity, not from his partner's behaviour. That is wisdom — understanding the true source of the problem.

2. courage (valour, nobility, endurance)

Application to healing:

Face the truth about yourself
- Look squarely at the person you have become
- Admit that you have hurt someone
- This is the most difficult act of courage
Take total responsibility
- No "but they…"
- No "I didn't mean to…"
- Just: "I did that. It was wrong. I am responsible."
Endure the process of change
- It hurts to realise you have been an oppressor
- It brings shame
- It takes courage to keep going despite the shame

Concrete example:

Every therapy session where you revisit shameful behaviours is an act of courage. Every time you admit "I was wrong" without justifying yourself, that is nobility of character.

3. temperance (generosity, modesty, sobriety)

Application to healing:

Control impulses
- Learn not to explode with anger
- Manage jealousy without acting on it
- Respect other people's boundaries
Emotional moderation
- Neither explosion (anger) nor implosion (depression)
- Healthy expression of emotions
Respect for self and others
- Treat yourself with kindness (no toxic shame)
- Treat others with respect (no control)

Concrete example:

Instead of giving in to the impulse to control ("Where are you?"), you hold back. You breathe. You remind yourself that your partner has the right to an autonomous life. That is temperance in action.

4. justice (overall balance)

Application to healing:

Recognise the harm done to the other
- Justice toward the victim
- Acknowledge the impact of your actions
Restore balance
- Repair (when possible)
- Concrete changes
Fair treatment of yourself
- Neither too harsh (toxic shame, self-hatred)
- Nor too lenient (denial, minimising)
- Just: "I did harm. I can change. I am going to work to become better."

Concrete example:

A man realises: "I destroyed my wife's trust. I can't 'fix' that with words. But I can demonstrate, day after day, that I am changing. That is the only form of justice possible right now."

Jung: Shadow work and integration

Carl Jung, the father of analytical psychology, developed concepts that are deeply relevant to oppressors who want to change.

1. the "False God"

Jungian definition:

Identified by Jung as identification with a grandiose image of oneself (full definition in Chapter 10). The oppressor believes they are perfect, projects their flaws onto the other, and refuses their shadow side.

Application to healing:

You are not "the villain" in your story
You are not "the hero" or "the victim" either
You are a complete human being, capable of kindness AND of violence
The "False God" is the illusion of perfection

Concrete example:

A man who saw himself as "the good husband" realises: "I am capable of being a good husband AND an oppressor. Both coexist in me. I must integrate this painful truth."

2. individuation: becoming fully oneself

Jungian definition:

The process by which a person becomes a complete psychological individual — distinct from projections and illusions.

Application to healing:

Integration of contradictions
- "I can be strong AND vulnerable"
- "I can be loving AND angry"
- "I can be a good parent AND have been a bad partner"
Acceptance of your shadow side
- "I have dark thoughts. That doesn't make me a monster."
- "I have controlling impulses. I can choose not to give in to them."
Transformation vs Repression
- Repression: "I am NOT like that" (a lie)
- Transformation: "I am like that, and I choose to change" (the truth)

3. Shadow work

Jungian definition:

The Shadow is the unconscious part of the personality, often projected onto others.

Concrete application:

The oppressor projects their shadow onto their victim
- "They're crazy"
- "They're controlling me"
- "They're toxic"
Integration of the shadow:
- "It's ME who is crazy sometimes"
- "It's ME who wants to control"
- "It's ME who has toxic behaviours"

A practical shadow-integration exercise:

When you have a critical thought about your partner ("They're selfish"), ask yourself:

Is it true?
Or is it a projection of my own selfishness?

Convergence with modern science

What is fascinating is that modern therapies echo these ancient wisdoms:

Ancient Wisdoms	Modern Science	Convergence
Justice (Al-Ghazâlî) — recognising the harm done	Cognitive therapy — modifying beliefs ("They provoke me")	Both aim to restore the truth about your responsibility
Courage (Al-Ghazâlî) — facing your truth	Exposure — revisiting shameful behaviours	Both recognise that avoidance perpetuates the problem
Integration of the Shadow (Jung)	Acceptance therapy (ACT)	Both seek to accept the dark parts of yourself without giving in to them
Individuation (Jung)	Identity development	Both see change as becoming more complete, not "better"

Conclusion of this section:

The healing of oppressors is not a modern invention. Human beings have always sought to transform themselves after ordeals. What has changed is that we now have the science to illuminate what the sages knew intuitively.

Practical exercises for each stage

Now that we have explored the theory, let us turn to practice. Here are concrete exercises for each stage of change.

Exercise 1: self-assessment of your stage of change

When to use it?

At the start of your process, and regularly to track your progress.

How to do it:

For each item, check your answer honestly:

Stage 1: Precontemplation

I don't think I have a problem with anger or control
Others (partner, family) exaggerate my behaviour
If my partner didn't do [X], I wouldn't react this way
It's their fault if I lose control