Early warning signs

Introduction: recognising the invisible

Abusive relationships do not begin with violence. They begin with subtle, almost imperceptible signs that most of us miss or choose to ignore. This chapter explores those early warning signs — those early clues that, once recognised, can protect us from toxic relationships before they become dangerous.

The work converges: victims who look back almost always recognise that "the signs were there". This chapter teaches you to see them in time.

Why this matters:

Understanding early warning signs is not pessimism — it is prevention. Science shows us that abusive behaviours follow predictable, identifiable patterns. Learning to spot these patterns is gaining the power to choose healthy relationships before becoming trapped in toxic cycles.

What early warning signs are

Definition

Early warning signs are subtle behaviours that appear early in a relationship and that predict toxic or abusive patterns. Contrary to what is often believed, abuse does not "begin" overnight. There are clues — sometimes from the first few weeks.

Most victims who later look back recognise: "The signs were there. I didn't know what to look for." (Western University Research, 2023. "Study finds non-abusive red flags that predict intimate partner violence.")

What science says

Recent research from Western University (2023) identified warning signs that can be spotted even before violence occurs. The researchers found that certain "non-violent" behaviours are in fact reliable predictors of future violence.

The cycle of violence (Lenore Walker's model) shows that the escalation of violence follows a predictable pattern:

The full treatment of the cycle (Walker's three phases, the trap of false renewal, and the moment to leave) appears in the chapter The cycle and change.

This cycle can repeat hundreds of times, making recognition extremely difficult.

Why do we miss them?

Research on the recognition of abuse shows that:

• Victims do not always realise at first that a relationship is abusive
• The gradual nature of the escalation makes recognition hard
• Victims become "encapsulated" in the abuse, anticipating it even before it happens

Key figures

Most victims make several attempts before leaving an abusive partner for good. Each departure brings the final departure closer — it is not a failure, it is the nature of the process.

Love bombing and idealisation

What is love bombing?

Love bombing is a manipulation tactic in which someone overwhelms a person with affection, attention, and compliments in an excessive and premature way.

It can look like:

• Declarations of love after only a few days/weeks
• Constant messages, calls throughout the day
• Expensive, unexpected gifts
• Promises of a shared future immediately
• "You're different from everyone else"
• "I've never felt this before"

※ To go further

Love bombing is a central theme of this book. Chapter 3 offers the full treatment: the psychological mechanisms (operant conditioning, cognitive dissonance), the seven behavioural signs, the profile of targeted people, and the protection exercises.

The idealise–devalue–discard cycle

Love bombing does not last: it opens a three-stage narcissistic cycle.

Love bombing is not "intense love" — it is manipulation. The problem is not the intensity of the feelings, but the absence of any real knowledge of the other: how can you sincerely love someone you do not yet truly know?

Visualising the warning signs

Understanding cyclical patterns helps spot what text alone sometimes struggles to reveal.

Progression of signs over time

The revealing little "slips"

The mask that "slips"

Even during the love-bombing or honeymoon phase, there are often revealing moments — brief instants when the mask drops and the real person appears.

These "slips" can be:

1. remarks "disguised" as jokes

• "You're silly but it gets me hooked" (followed by "I'm just joking")
• "With your face/body/intellect, you're lucky to have found me"
• Disproportionate reactions when you don't "laugh along"

2. sudden anger that vanishes fast

• An explosion of anger over something minor
• Then an instant return to normal
• You are left confused, thinking "did I imagine that?"

3. testing your boundaries

• "Just" a small gesture you don't like
• Then "Oh sorry, I didn't know" — followed by "you're too sensitive"
• Your boundaries are gradually pushed

4. subtle inconsistencies

• What they say doesn't always match what they do
• Promises made and forgotten
• Stories that shift slightly

Why these slips matter

Research on the escalation of violence shows that:

• Abuse almost always worsens over time
• There is typically a gradual escalation as oppressors grow comfortable with their behaviour
• Emotional abuse precedes and often escalates into physical violence

Caution

The "first slip" is not an isolated mistake. It is a foretaste of what is to come.

How your intuition warns you

The science of intuition

Intuition is not "magic." It is the fast processing by the brain of subtle emotional and behavioural patterns that your conscious mind has not yet identified.

In other words: Your brain noticed something. Your conscious mind does not yet know what. But your body knows.

The physical signals of intuition

When something is wrong, you might feel:

• Tightness in the chest or stomach
• Goosebumps
• A sense of unease for no apparent reason
• Insomnia or nightmares
• Increased anxiety around this person

Why we ignore our intuition

Research shows that victims often ignore their intuition for several reasons:

1. Hope bias — we want it to work, so we ignore the signals
2. Normalisation — "Everyone has flaws"
3. Self-doubt — "I must be too sensitive/paranoid"
4. Manipulation — "You're crazy, you imagined all of that"

Testimonies

According to numerous survivor accounts, most people had a "weird feeling" very early in the abusive relationship. They simply ignored it.

The first-3-months test

Why 3 months?

Research on relationship development suggests that the first 3 months are a critical period. This is often when:

• The initial intensity starts to fade
• The first conflicts arise
• Real communication patterns emerge
• The "slips" become more frequent

First-3-months checklist

If you answer YES to any of these questions, be watchful:

Control and jealousy:

• They get jealous when you see friends
• They want to know where you are all the time
• They tell you how to dress or behave
• They dislike you doing things without them

Isolation:

• They discourage you from seeing your family/friends
• They make negative comments about your loved ones
• They want to be the only important person in your life

Respect:

• They belittle or criticise you (even "kindly")
• They mock you in public
• They do not respect your boundaries

Communication:

• They get angry over minor things
• They make you feel you can do nothing right
• They turn the blame back on you when you express a need

Love bombing:

• They declared their love very fast (weeks 1 to 4)
• They talk about marriage/children/the future immediately
• They seem "too good to be true"

What the statistics say

Domestic-violence organisations report that:

• Most abuse occurs or worsens in the first year
• Victims who spot the signs early have a better chance of leaving before escalation
• One or two warning behaviours can already be enough of a red flag

That said: There is no magic timeline. Abuse can start at any point. But the first months are often revealing.

Comparison table — warning signs vs. normality

Aspect	Warning signs	Normality
Speed	Too fast, pressure to commit	Natural progression, each at their own pace
Intensity	Excessive, overwhelming ("too perfect")	Balanced, healthy
Respect	Sometimes disrespectful, subtle criticism	Always respectful, even in disagreement
Boundaries	Tests your boundaries, doesn't respect them	Respects your boundaries
Jealousy	Controls your movements, who you see	Healthy trust
Friends/family	Isolates you, criticises your loved ones	Includes you, encourages your relationships
Communication	Makes you doubt ("you're sensitive")	Listens, validates
Anger	Sudden explosions then return to normal	Handles emotions in a healthy way
Consistency	Words ≠ Actions, stories change	Words = Actions, consistent
How you feel	Unease, "walking on eggshells"	Calm, safety, comfort

If you see these signs

For potential victims

1. trust your intuition

• That "weird feeling" is not for nothing
• Your brain noticed something your conscious mind has not yet processed
• Better a false positive than a false negative

2. do not explain the signals away

• "It's maybe just..." → No
• "I'm surely too sensitive" → No
• The signs are facts, not interpretations

3. document

• Keep a journal of the behaviours that concern you
• Dates, times, what happened
• Reread regularly — patterns become clear

4. consult trusted people

• Talk to friends, family
• Others often see what we cannot see from the inside
• If several people are worried, listen to them

5. take your time

• Do not rush into commitment
• Someone who truly loves you will respect your pace
• Pressure is a red flag

For potential oppressors

If you recognise yourself in these signs...

1. stop

• The first step of change is recognition
• You are not "bad" but your behaviour is problematic
• Help is available

2. understand the why

• Work with a therapist to understand your patterns
• Often, controlling behaviours come from deep fears
• Understanding does not mean excusing — it means healing

3. learn from healthy relationships

• Healthy relationships are based on equality, not control
• Jealousy is not proof of love
• You can learn to love without possessing

Convergence of the wisdoms

Al-Ghazâlî: the wisdom of seeing clearly

Al-Ghazâlî (1058–1111) taught that Wisdom — the first of the four cardinal virtues — is the capacity to see reality clearly (Al-Ghazâlî (1058–1111). Ihyâ' 'Ulûm ad-Dîn.).

Early warning signs? They are invitations to see clearly.

When we ignore the signals, we lack wisdom. We so want to believe in the fairy tale that we refuse to see reality.

→ See the full diagram: Al-Ghazâlî's tree — the faculties of the heart and their virtues.

Modern illumination: Research on intuition confirms that our brain perceives patterns that our conscious mind ignores. "Intuitive wisdom" very much exists.

Jung: the Shadow shows itself early

Carl Gustav Jung (1875–1961) taught that the Shadow — the hidden part of ourselves — manifests early in relationships.

The revealing "slips"? That is the Shadow showing the tip of its nose.

→ See the full diagram: The Explorer of the Mind (Carl Jung) — Self, Ego, Shadow, Persona…

Modern illumination: Research on the escalation of abuse confirms that toxic patterns appear early and worsen progressively. The Shadow does not stay hidden forever.

Stoicism: what depends on us

The Stoic philosophers teach us to distinguish what depends on us from what does not (Stoic philosophy, Epictetus, Marcus Aurelius.).

What depends on us:

• Recognising the warning signs
• Trusting our intuition
• Acting to protect ourselves

What does not depend on us:

• The other's behaviour
• Whether they will change or not

Modern illumination: Research on victim resilience shows that those who focus on what they can control (their own actions, their boundaries) recover better.

Practical exercises

Exercise 1: signs journal (2 weeks)

Scientific basis: Research shows that documenting behaviours helps recognise patterns we miss in the moment.

Instructions:

Every evening for 14 days, note:

1. Observed behaviours — What did your partner do/say today?
2. How you felt — How did you feel?
3. Intuition signals — Did you have any "weird feelings"?
4. Revealing slips — Were there moments when the mask "dropped"?

At the end of 2 weeks: Reread your journal. What does it reveal? Are there patterns?

Exercise 2: intuitive body scan

Scientific basis: Research on intuition shows that physical signals are often the first indicators of threat.

Instructions:

Every morning or before seeing your partner:

1. Sit comfortably, close your eyes
2. Scan your body: head → toes
3. Note any sensation: tightness, warmth, cold, tension
4. Ask yourself: "How do I feel about this person?"
5. Listen to your body's answer, not your mind

Key questions:

• Do I feel calm or tense?
• Is there a sense of opening or closing?
• Is my body saying "safety" or "danger"?

Exercise 3: ideal-relationship visualisation

Scientific basis: Studies on values clarification show that knowing what you want helps recognise what you don't.

Instructions:

1. Take 20 quiet minutes
2. Imagine your ideal relationship in 1 year
3. Note in detail: — How does your partner treat you? — How do you communicate? — How do you handle conflict? — How do you feel most of the time?
4. Compare with your current reality
5. Note the gaps — these are your personal "warning signs"

Exercise 4: trust consultation

Scientific basis: Research shows that outside people often perceive the signals of abuse that victims miss.

Instructions:

Identify 2 to 3 trusted people (friends, family, colleagues)

1. Ask: "I need your honest perspective on my relationship"
2. Ask these questions: — "Do I seem happy/serene with this person?" — "Have you noticed things that worry you?" — "If it were your brother/sister in this relationship, what would you think?"
3. Listen without defending — simply note what they say

If several people express the same concerns... That is a sign.

Summary of key points

Early warning signs exist and are predictable.

• Research shows that non-violent behaviours can predict future violence
• The cycle of violence follows an identifiable pattern (tension → violence → reconciliation)
• Most victims recognise in hindsight: "The signs were there"

Love bombing is not love — it is manipulation.

• Academic studies (44+ citations) identify love bombing as a gateway into abuse
• The idealise–devalue–discard cycle is a documented narcissistic pattern
• Excessive early intensity is a major red flag

Your intuition is a valid tool.

• Science confirms that intuition is the fast processing of subtle patterns by the brain
• Physical signals (unease, tension) are real data
• Most survivors had a "weird feeling" that they ignored

The first 3 months are critical.

• This is often when real patterns emerge
• The warning-signs checklist can help assess a new relationship
• Even one or two warning signals justify vigilance

Early recognition can save lives.

• Victims who spot the signs early are more likely to leave before escalation
• Documenting, consulting trusted people, and trusting your intuition are validated strategies
• There is no shame in having missed signs — but there is power in recognising them now

The wisdom of the ages meets modern science.

• Al-Ghazâlî was right: the Wisdom of seeing clearly is essential
• Jung was right: the Shadow shows itself early in relationships
• The Stoics were right: distinguishing what depends on us is crucial

And you?

• You have the right to recognise the warning signs
• You are not "too sensitive" or "paranoid" — you are lucid
• You deserve a relationship without warning signs, just health

Now that you know how to recognise the warning signs, let's explore the first major toxic pattern: belittling vs. mutual respect.