How to leave

"You have the power to free yourself from the slavery of others, right now, by understanding that what oppresses you is not the other person, but your own belief that you must stay."

Introduction: the lucidity of leaving

Leaving a toxic or abusive relationship is not an event. It is a process. It is not a single decision made one morning on waking up. It is a gradual journey, often painful, almost always non-linear.

Scientific research tells us that, on average, a person who is a victim of domestic abuse tries to leave several times before they manage to leave the relationship for good (Burke et Reisenhofer, The Process of Ending Abuse in Intimate Relationships). Several round trips, several cycles of hope and disappointment, several reasons to stay and to leave.

This chapter will not judge you for not having left "earlier." This chapter will give you the tools to leave safely and to stay gone.

What science says

Research on the process of leaving abusive relationships reveals several fundamental truths:

Leaving follows a 5-stage model (the transtheoretical model, Transtheoretical Model)

The researchers Burke and Reisenhofer showed that victims pass through five distinct stages:

Precontemplation: You do not yet realise that the relationship is abusive. You minimise, you justify.

Contemplation: You begin to recognise the problem. You weigh the pros and cons. You hesitate.

Preparation: You decide that you want to leave. You begin to plan, to look for resources.

Action: You take concrete steps to leave. You leave the relationship.

Maintenance: You maintain your decision. You do not go back to the oppressor.

The process is rarely linear

Most people move back and forth between these stages. This is NORMAL. It is not "weakness." It is human complexity in the face of a traumatic situation.

The separation period is the most dangerous

Critical danger

The figures are concerning and must be known: separation and the months that follow constitute the period when the risk of homicide is highest in situations of domestic abuse. This elevated danger often persists for at least 18 months after leaving the relationship.

Why? Because when you leave, you threaten the oppressor's power and control. Escalation of violence is a frequent response to the loss of control.

Safety planning saves lives

Research shows that victims who follow a structured safety-planning process have significantly lower risks of re-victimisation. This is not paranoia. It is survival informed by science.

Economic independence is the leading success factor

Economic reasons are one of the main reasons why many survivors stay longer than they want to or return to their oppressor. Financial abuse — controlling money, preventing work, creating debt — is used strategically to trap victims.

The comparison table: leaving vs. staying

Staying in an abusive relationship	Leaving safely	How to prepare
Growing danger	Immediate but manageable risk	Assess the danger with a professional
Total control by the other	Rebuilding your autonomy	Open a secret bank account
Progressive isolation	Reconnecting with your loved ones	Restore contact with family/friends
Destroyed self-esteem	Gradual healing of identity	Supportive therapy during the process
Constant fear	Initial fear, then safety	Document the abuse for protection
Uncertain future	A future you create for yourself	Plan housing, finances, legal
Illusory hope of change	Realism without blind hope	Understand that most relapses occur within 2 years
Pardon/aggression cycle	Freedom from the cycle	Prepare a detailed safety plan
Life in survival mode	Life under construction	Give yourself time to heal (months/years)
Growing mortal danger	Controllable danger during transition	Know the lethal risk factors

Safety checklist

Documents

• Passports, identity card
• Birth certificates
• Contracts, lease
• Bank statements
• Legal documents

Finances

• Separate account
• Credit cards
• Emergency savings
• Proof of income
• Budget plan

Housing

• Safe location identified
• Keys, access
• Bags prepared
• Transport plan
• Emergency accommodation

Support

• Trusted people
• Lawyer/adviser
• Helpline / emergencies
• Therapist
• Support organisation

Communication

• Secured phone
• Codes changed
• Separate emails
• Private networks
• Indirect communication

Children

• Custody plan
• Children's documents
• School informed
• Comfort objects
• Age-appropriate explanations

The signs you do not see

You may be thinking: "I am not really a victim of abuse" or "It is not serious enough to leave." Here are the signals your mind is minimising:

Minimisation checklist

Check what applies to your situation:

• You constantly make excuses for your partner's behaviour in front of others
• You have stopped sharing your thoughts or feelings to avoid conflict
• You "walk on eggshells" so as not to trigger a crisis
• You feel tired all the time, emotionally drained
• You have lost contact with friends or family
• You no longer make decisions without consulting the other person
• You justify or minimise incidents when you talk about them
• You think that if you changed, the relationship would get better
• You are afraid of the other person's reaction if you left
• You have already left and come back "one last time"

Critical indicator

If you have checked 3 or more boxes: You are probably in an abusive dynamic, even if it is not physically violent.

The statistical reality

Almost all victims suffer some form of economic abuse. This abuse is often invisible, even to the victim. It includes:

• Making you account for every expense
• Preventing you from working or studying
• Creating debts in your name
• Stealing your money or controlling your access to funds
• Using money as a tool of control (deprivation, threats)

If these behaviours seem "normal" in your relationship, they are NOT. They are documented strategies of control.

The inversion test

Perspective test

Take each behaviour of your partner and ask yourself:

"If my best friend told me they were living what I live, what would I say to them?"

If your answer would be: "You deserve better," "This is not normal," or "You should leave," then listen to what you would say to a friend.

Most people are much clearer-sighted for others than for themselves. This is a normal psychological defence, but it can be fatal in an abusive relationship.

The lucidity test: are you ready to leave?

This test is not here to make you feel guilty. It is to help you assess your own stage of change.

The 5 stages of change — where are you?

Stage 1 — Precontemplation:

• I don't really think there is a problem in my relationship
• It's just hard sometimes, like all relationships
• If I change or if I am more patient, things will get better

Stage 2 — Contemplation:

• I am beginning to think that something is wrong
• I am weighing the pros and cons of leaving
• I am not sure I want to leave, but I am thinking about it

Stage 3 — Preparation:

• I have decided that I want to leave
• I am starting to look for information, resources
• I am concretely planning my departure (in the coming months)

Stage 4 — Action:

• I am taking steps to leave
• I have already made changes (housing, money, legal)
• I am going to leave soon (in the coming weeks)

Stage 5 — Maintenance:

• I left a while ago
• I will not go back to this relationship
• I am building my new life

What science says about failures

Research shows that most relapses (returning to the oppressor) occur within the first two years after leaving.

Predictors of success:

• Structured safety planning (reduces the risk of re-victimisation)
• Economic independence (strongly reduces the rate of return)
• Stable social support (family, friends, therapy)
• Protection order or legal measures (reduces the risk of re-abuse) (ANROWS, National Risk Assessment Principles for Domestic and Family Violence.)

Predictors of failure:

• Impulsive departure without planning (danger + risk of return)
• Continued economic dependence
• Social isolation
• Direct or indirect threats from the oppressor
• Lack of professional support

The way out: a 5-phase plan

Critical warning

What follows is a plan for situations where you still have a little time to plan your departure.

Phase 1: danger assessment (1–2 weeks)

Why: Understanding your level of risk is essential to planning adequately.

Concrete actions:

Use a risk-assessment tool

The Danger Assessment (a tool validated by 984 scientific citations) identifies lethal risk factors:

• Have they ever threatened to kill you?
• Do they have access to a weapon?
• Are they extremely possessive or jealous?
• Have they ever tried to strangle, hit, or threaten you with a weapon?
• Are they psychologically violent (constant control, humiliation)?
• Does your intuition tell you that you are in mortal danger?

High risk

If you answer YES to any of these questions: Your risk is high. Leaving IMMEDIATELY with professional help may be necessary.

Document the abuse

• Keep a (secured) journal of every incident: date, description, any witnesses
• Take photos of injuries, damage
• Save threatening messages (email, text, social media)
• Keep legal, medical, police documents

Why: This evidence can be crucial to obtain protection orders or in legal proceedings.

Phase 2: financial preparation (2–4 weeks)

Why: Economic independence is the leading success factor for not returning.

Concrete actions:

Create a "secret safety net"

• Open a bank account in your name only (if possible at a different bank)
• Gradually transfer money into it (as soon as it is possible without raising suspicion)
• Aim to have 3–6 months of living expenses available

Secure your important documents

• Identity papers (passport, identity card, birth certificate)
• Rental contracts, property titles
• Legal documents (marriage, children)
• Medical records
• Bank statements
• Put copies in a safe place (at a friend's, in a safe deposit box)

Assess your housing options

• Look for available housing (without leaving traces on your computer or phone)
• Contact refuges or victim-support organisations if necessary
• Calculate the real cost of living alone

Phase 3: legal and social securing (2–4 weeks)

Why: Create a safety net before leaving.

Concrete actions:

Consult a lawyer or a victim-support association

• Understand your rights (especially regarding children, marriage, shared property)
• Prepare the legal steps (divorce, custody, alimony)
• Know how to obtain an emergency protection order

Rebuild your social ties

• Gradually contact your loved ones (without alerting the oppressor)
• Identify who can host you temporarily in an emergency
• Find a support group or a specialised therapist

Prepare a safety network

• Identify 2–3 trusted people who REALLY know what is going on
• Establish a communication code if you cannot speak freely
• Give them copies of your important documents

Phase 4: the departure plan (1 week before)

Why: The departure must be precisely planned to maximise safety.

Concrete actions:

Choose the moment of departure

• When the oppressor is absent (work, travel, predictable activity)
• Not during an argument (too dangerous)
• Ideally a day when you have several hours' lead before any reaction

Prepare your "emergency bag"

• Original documents or certified copies
• Cash (if possible)
• Keys to the new place
• Backup mobile phone (with charger)
• Essential medications
• A few clothes, personal effects
• Important numbers (police, victim support, lawyer, loved ones)

Keep this bag hidden but accessible (at a friend's, at work, in a safe place).

Prepare your story (for the children, work, those around you)

• What you will tell the children (adapted to their age)
• What you will tell your employer (if necessary)
• What you will tell the people you are informing

Be consistent but discreet to prevent the information from reaching the oppressor.

Phase 5: the departure and the critical 72 hours

Why: The first hours and first days are the most dangerous.

Concrete actions:

During the departure:

• Do not linger. Take only the essentials. Objects can be replaced, your life cannot.
• If children are involved, warn them just before (or during) the departure
• Leave while the oppressor is absent if possible
• Do not venture out alone: get help from trusted loved ones

Within 72 hours:

• Go to a safe place (a friend's home, a refuge, secured housing)
• Change your passwords (email, social media, phone)
• Inform the key people in your safety network
• Contact a lawyer or association for the legal steps
• If you fear for your safety, consider an emergency protection order

The first 18 months:

• Stay vigilant. The danger does not disappear immediately.
• Follow your safety plan (change your route, do not reveal your address, etc.)
• Maintain your therapy or support group
• Document any attempt at contact or harassment
• Do not accept meetings "to talk" without professional mediation

The healing path: after leaving

Leaving is an act of courage. But what comes after is just as important: rebuilding.

What science says about post-traumatic healing

Research on survivors of domestic abuse reveals that healing generally follows 3 phases (research on trauma recovery — studies on the effectiveness of EMDR and CBT.):

Phase 1: Survival (0–6 months)

• Priority: Immediate safety
• Feelings: Fear, relief, confusion, sadness
• Need: Stability, protection, practical support

Phase 2: Reconstruction (6 months – 2 years)

• Priority: Recovering your identity
• Feelings: Anger, realisation, gradual regaining of power
• Need: Therapy, social support, self-discovery

Phase 3: Growth (2 years+)

• Priority: Creating a new life
• Feelings: Hope, gratitude, resilience
• Need: Projects, healthy relationships, meaning

Validated healing tools

EMDR or CBT (Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy)

• EMDR is validated for the treatment of trauma (including relational trauma)
• CBT helps rebuild self-esteem and modify toxic beliefs

Survivor support groups

• Research shows that peer support reduces isolation and increases hope
• Understanding that others have lived through the same thing is powerful

Therapeutic writing

• Studies show that structured writing about trauma improves mental and physical health
• 20 minutes, 3 times a week, for 4 weeks = measurable benefits

A stable safety network

• Maintain contact with 2–3 trusted people
• Do not isolate yourself during the period of vulnerability

Convergence of the Wisdoms

Al-Ghazâlî (1058–1111): the 4 virtues of leaving

Al-Ghazâlî, in his Ihyâ' 'ulûm al-dîn, identifies four fundamental virtues (Abu Hamid al-Ghazali (1058–1111), Ihya' 'ulum ad-din (The Revival of the Religious Sciences), Book XIX.). Applied to leaving an abusive relationship, they offer us a powerful reading grid.

Wisdom: the lucidity to see the truth

Wisdom, according to Al-Ghazâlî, is recognising what is true and what is false. In an abusive relationship, the deficiency of Wisdom shows up as:

• Minimising the abuse
• Doubting your own perception
• Believing that "it will change"

The antidote (advocated by Al-Ghazâlî): Temporarily cultivate the excess of Knowledge (rigorous analysis)

• Write down EVERYTHING (daily journal)
• Document facts, not interpretations
• Seek the truth from outside people
• Accept reality, even when it is painful

Courage: the strength to act despite fear

Courage, in Al-Ghazâlî's sense, is NOT the absence of fear. It is acting despite fear. The deficiency of Courage shows up as:

• Being afraid but not acting
• Staying out of fear of the unknown
• Not daring to confront reality

The antidote: Temporarily cultivate recklessness (the excess of courage)

• Make radical decisions (leave, cut contact)
• Act even if you are trembling
• Dare to go beyond your comfort zone

Continence: the mastery of attachment

Continence, according to Al-Ghazâlî, is the capacity to restrain oneself, to not be a slave to one's passions. In an abusive relationship, the excess of Passion (toxic attachment) shows up as:

• "I love them too much to leave"
• "I cannot live without them"
• Believing that love justifies suffering

The antidote: Temporarily cultivate apathy (voluntary detachment)

• Practise emotional detachment
• Refuse all emotional interaction with the oppressor
• Cut contact in order to heal

Justice: balance and recognition of your own worth

Justice, for Al-Ghazâlî, is recognising what is due to each person. The deficiency of Justice shows up as:

• Accepting the unacceptable
• Thinking that you "deserve" this treatment
• Not recognising your own dignity

The antidote: Recognise your Dignity (karāma)

• You deserve respect. Full stop.
• A relationship that destroys you is not a relationship of love.
• Leaving is an act of justice toward yourself.

Al-Ghazâlî's method in 4 steps

1. Make your diagnosis: Which imbalance are you in? (Lack of courage? Excess of passion?)
2. Apply the opposite: Temporarily cultivate the extreme opposite (recklessness, detachment)
3. Endure the bitterness: Accept that leaving is painful. This is NORMAL. Healing tastes bitter at first.
4. Increase progressively: Do not try to heal in a day. Move forward little by little toward balance.

Carl Gustav Jung (1875–1961): the Shadow of codependency

Jung offers us a crucial complementary perspective: the Shadow.

In an abusive relationship, two shadows are at play:

The oppressor's Shadow: the unrecognised part of them

• They project themselves as "perfect" or as "the victim"
• Their shadow (their violence, their control) is refused, denied
• They attribute their own flaws to you (projection)

Jung's insight: The oppressor will never do the work on their shadow as long as they can use you as a container for their projections. Leaving means refusing to be the receptacle of their shadow.

Your Shadow: your own wounds that keep you there

Jung would say that you are drawn to this relationship for a reason: it reactivates your own unresolved wounds.

• Fear of abandonment → You stay despite everything
• Lack of self-esteem → You accept being belittled
• Rescue needs → You try to "save" the oppressor

The Jungian work after leaving:

• Recognise your own patterns (where did I lose myself?)
• Integrate your Shadow (which parts of me have I denied?)
• Recover your Self (who am I really outside of this relationship?)

Stoic philosophy: what depends on us

The Stoics (Epictetus, Marcus Aurelius) offer us this crucial distinction (Epictetus (50–135 CE), Handbook (Enchiridion), § 1.):

What depends on us:

• Our decision to leave
• Our preparation
• Our reaction to what happens to us
• Our rebuilding

What does NOT depend on us:

• The oppressor's behaviour
• What they will think of our departure
• What they will say to others
• The past

Concrete application:

• Focus your energy on WHAT DEPENDS ON YOU (preparing, leaving, healing)
• Let go of WHAT DOES NOT DEPEND ON YOU (the oppressor's reaction)
• This is the very definition of Stoic freedom

Practical exercises

Exercise 1: the departure journal (30 days)

Scientific basis

Research shows that structured therapeutic writing reduces trauma symptoms and increases decision clarity.

Instructions:

Every evening, for 30 days, answer these 4 questions in a secured notebook:

1. Today, I felt…

• Dominant emotions (1 word)
• The moment when I felt least like myself

2. What is holding the relationship together:

• Fear? (of what?)
• Hope? (of what?)
• Habit? (which one?)
• Other?

3. What is pushing me to leave:

• An incident today?
• A realisation?
• A moment of lucidity?

4. A small action toward leaving:

• What did I do today (even minimally) to prepare?
• (Example: "I put a small amount aside," "I called a friend," "I looked at an apartment")

Expected benefit: After 30 days, you will have a clear map of your reality, your fears, and your progress.

Exercise 2: the "pre-departure" letter

Scientific basis

Studies show that therapeutic writing helps integrate trauma and clarify the decision.

Instructions:

Write a letter that you will not send to the oppressor, but that you will keep for yourself.

Suggested structure:

"Dear [Oppressor's name],"

What I experienced:

• Describe 3 specific moments when you felt in danger, diminished, controlled
• Be factual: dates, facts, exact words

What it did to me:

• How I feel in this relationship (fear, confusion, shame…)
• What I have lost (trust, self-esteem, relationships with others…)

What I have decided:

• "I am leaving because…"
• Your main reasons (safety, dignity, future…)

What I wish for myself:

• How I want to live afterwards
• What I want to rebuild

End of the letter

Keep this letter. Reread it every time you doubt. It will remind you of your truth.

Exercise 3: the visualised safety plan

Scientific basis

Mental visualisation improves preparation and reduces anxiety in the face of new situations.

Instructions:

Close your eyes. Take 10 minutes to visualise your departure in detail.

Visualise:

1. The day itself: At what moment do you leave? How do you warn the key people?
2. The physical departure: Where do you go? Who helps you? How do you feel?
3. The first 24 hours: Where do you sleep? What do you feel?
4. The first week: What are your immediate priorities?

Note down everything you are missing in your real plan. Complete your plan.

Repeat this visualisation every week until the departure. Your brain will "prepare" itself for reality.

Exercise 4: the budget of freedom

Scientific basis

Economic independence is the leading success factor (a large number of returns are linked to economic reasons).

Instructions:

Create a realistic budget for your life alone.

1. Income:

• Current or potential salary
• Possible assistance
• Child support (if applicable)

2. Monthly expenses:

• Rent
• Utilities (electricity, internet, phone)
• Food
• Transport
• Insurance
• Children (if applicable)

3. The "gap":

• If expenses > income, by how much are you in deficit?
• How to bridge this gap? (more work hours, assistance, flatsharing, etc.)

4. Action plan:

• What concrete measures can you take NOW to improve your economic situation?

Summary of key points

• Leaving is a PROCESS, not an event. Most people make several attempts before succeeding. This is normal.
• The separation period is the MOST DANGEROUS (this is when the risk of homicide is highest). Safety planning saves lives.
• The 5-stage model (Precontemplation → Contemplation → Preparation → Action → Maintenance) helps you understand where you are.
• Economic independence is the leading success factor. A large number of returns are linked to financial reasons.
• Structured safety planning significantly reduces the risk of re-victimisation.
• The danger persists for 18+ months after leaving. Vigilance is necessary, but freedom is possible.
• The universal wisdoms converge: Al-Ghazâlî (diagnosis, opposites, bitterness, progression), Jung (shadow work), Stoicism (what depends on us).
• Healing follows 3 phases: Survival (0–6 months), Reconstruction (6 months – 2 years), Growth (2 years+).
• Leaving is not a failure. It is an act of courage, lucidity, and self-love.
• You are not alone. Resources, professionals, and communities exist to support you.
• Life after is possible. Thousands of people have done it before you. You can do it too.

Next chapter: Healing as a victim — Rebuilding your self-esteem, your identity, and your capacity to love after abuse.