References & Sources

This book draws on three registers: a philosophical tradition (Al-Ghazâlî, the Stoics, Jung), the contemporary human sciences and neuroscience, and clinical experience of toxic dynamics. This page lists the real sources that back the claims, clarifies how they are used, and honestly flags the limits of the reasoning. The aim is not to set this book up as an academic treatise, but to distinguish what is established from what is interpretation — so that it is not confused with pseudoscientific discourse.

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Warning

This book is a tool for lucidity and reflection, not a medical, psychiatric, or psychotherapeutic treatment. It in no way replaces the advice of a mental-health professional, a doctor, or legal counsel.

• If you are living in a situation of violence (domestic, psychological, sexual), reach out to a specialised association or a professional in your region.
• If you are going through intense distress or suicidal thoughts, immediately contact an emergency service or a local helpline.
• The proposed exercises are pathways to awareness, not prescriptions. Therapy with a trained practitioner remains the safest setting for deep work, particularly after trauma.

The statistics and "brain mechanisms" mentioned in the text are cited by way of illustration. The neuroscience of relationships is an active and debated field; no claim has the precision of a diagnosis.

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Methodological note

• Distinguishing the registers. When the text connects a philosophical intuition (for example Al-Ghazâlî on the education of the child) to a modern scientific finding, it is an interpretive resonance, not a "proof" that science "validates" philosophy. The book now avoids the misleading phrase "validated by modern neuroscience".
• Real sources only. Each footnote points to an identifiable source (book, peer-reviewed article, reference manual). Imprecise or unverifiable quotations from the original version have been removed or rephrased (see the verification report).
• Caution with figures. The precise percentages ("60%", "67%"…) inherited from earlier drafts could not be tied to a solid study; they have therefore been softened into qualitative formulations. Relational psychology does not lend itself to being reduced to statistics accurate to the tenth.
• Real authors, exact references. Several author names were correct but attached to the wrong year or the wrong work; they have been corrected (e.g. Arnsten 2009, Lieberman 2007, Lally 2010).

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Philosophical sources

Al-Ghazâlî, The Revival of the Religious Sciences

Abu Hamid Al-Ghazâlî (1058–1111), Ihyâ' 'ulûm al-dîn ("Revival of the Religious Sciences"), 11th century. A major summa in which Al-Ghazâlî treats the cardinal virtues, the diseases of the soul (among them pride and selfishness, close to what we call narcissism), and the education of the child. — Drawn on for the theory of cardinal virtues, the diseases of the soul, and the moral plasticity of the child.

Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

Marcus Aurelius (121–180), Meditations (Ta eis heauton). The Stoic private notebook of a philosopher-emperor. — Drawn on for the power to choose one's response, detachment from the past, and self-mastery.

Seneca, Letters to Lucilius

Seneca (≈4 BCE–65 CE), Letters to Lucilius. Stoic correspondence on the mastery of the passions and inner freedom. — Drawn on for the management of anger and practical wisdom.

Jung, the Shadow and the power complex

Carl Gustav Jung (1875–1961). Several collected works mobilise the concepts of the Shadow, the Persona, and the "False God" (identification with an image of omnipotence):

• Man and His Symbols (1964), with M.-L. von Franz — an accessible introduction.
• The Archetypes and the Collective Unconscious (Collected Works vol. 9/I) — the shadow, the archetypes, and the Self.
• Aion (Collected Works vol. 9/II) — the Self and the central archetypes of the ego.
• Two Essays on Analytical Psychology (Collected Works vol. 7) — persona and individuation.

The "power complex" is also discussed by Alfred Adler (the will to power / inferiority). Jung and Adler both shed light on the dynamic of domination, from complementary angles.

Hierocles, concentric circles (Stoicism)

Hierocles (Stoic, ~1st–2nd c.), fragment of the concentric circles (oikeiôsis): we progressively widen our concern for others, from the self to family, friends, humanity. Text preserved in Stobaeus, Anthology. See A. A. Long & D. N. Sedley, The Hellenistic Philosophers (Cambridge University Press, 1987). — Drawn on via the diagram of the Stoic circles.

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Human sciences and neuroscience

Eisenberger, Lieberman & Williams (2003)

Naomi I. Eisenberger, Matthew D. Lieberman & Kipling D. Williams (2003). "Does rejection hurt? An fMRI study of social exclusion." Science, 302(5643), 290–292. PubMed 14551436 doi:10.1126/science.1089134 — Social rejection activates the anterior cingulate cortex, involved in the "distress" component of physical pain. (Hence: criticism felt as pain.)

Bowlby (1969)

John Bowlby (1969). Attachment and Loss, Vol. 1: Attachment. New York: Basic Books. — Attachment theory and the internal working models that the child builds in early childhood and that shape their future relationships.

Lally et al. (2010)

Phillippa Lally, Cornelia H. M. van Jaarsveld, Henry W. W. Potts & Jane Wardle (2010). "How are habits formed: Modelling habit formation in the real world." European Journal of Social Psychology, 40(6), 998–1009. doi:10.1002/ejsp.674 — The median time for a behaviour to become automatic is about 66 days, with strong individual variation (and not "21 days" — a popular myth).

Arnsten (2009)

Amy F. T. Arnsten (2009). "Stress signalling pathways that impair prefrontal cortex structure and function." Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 10(6), 410–422. PMC2907136 — Under stress, the prefrontal cortex (reason, control) loses its hold in favour of more primitive circuits (including the amygdala, fear). Naming one's emotions helps restore this control.

Lieberman et al. (2007)

Matthew D. Lieberman, Naomi I. Eisenberger, et al. (2007). "Putting feelings into words: affect labeling disrupts amygdala activity in response to affective stimuli." Psychological Science, 18(5), 421–428. doi:10.1111/j.1467-9280.2007.01916.x — Putting feelings into words ("affect labeling") reduces amygdala activity; the neurological basis of the calming effect of awareness.

Bateman & Fonagy (2004 / 2006)

Anthony W. Bateman & Peter Fonagy (2004). Psychotherapy for Borderline Personality Disorder: Mentalization-Based Treatment. Oxford University Press. Then: Bateman & Fonagy (2006), Mentalization-Based Treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder: A Practical Guide, Oxford University Press (the clinical manual of the method). — The concept of mentalisation: understanding one's own mental states and those of others reduces the emotional intensity of reactions.

Young, Klosko & Weishaar (2003)

Jeffrey E. Young, Janet S. Klosko & Marjorie E. Weishaar (2003). Schema Therapy: A Practitioner's Guide. New York: Guilford Press. — Theory of early maladaptive schemas: deep beliefs, formed in childhood, that push us to recreate familiar patterns (even painful ones).

Gilbert (2009)

Paul Gilbert (2009). The Compassionate Mind. Constable & Robinson. (See also Gilbert, 2007, "Introducing compassion-focused therapy", Advances in Psychiatric Treatment.) — Compassion-focused therapy (CFT), designed for people marked by shame and self-criticism; useful for the "re-parenting" exercises of kind awareness.

Pennebaker & Smyth (2016)

James W. Pennebaker & Joshua M. Smyth (2016). Opening Up by Writing It Down (3rd ed.). Guilford Press. (Founding meta-analysis: Smyth, 1998, moderate effect d ≈ 0.47.) — Expressive writing (keeping a journal of one's experiences) improves physical and psychological health. The effects are real but moderate and variable; the "−50% / +70%" figure from the original version is not supported.

Klimecki, Leiberg, Lamm & Singer (2013)

Olga M. Klimecki, Susanne Leiberg, Claus Lamm & Tania Singer (2013). "Functional neural plasticity and associated changes in positive affect after compassion training." Cerebral Cortex, 23(7), 1552–1561. PubMed 22661409 — Compassion training (ReSource project) produces measurable neural plasticity and increases positive affect in the face of others' suffering. Empathy can be cultivated, in adulthood.

Gottman & Levenson (1992)

John M. Gottman & Robert W. Levenson (1992). "Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: Behavior, physiology, and health." Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(2), 221–233. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.63.2.221 — Founding longitudinal study: certain conflict-interaction patterns — contempt, criticism, defensiveness, withdrawal — and the physiological arousal they trigger predict the dissolution of the couple. This is the empirical bedrock of Gottman's programme (the "four horsemen", the refusal to accept influence from the other as a sign of asymmetry), later popularised in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (see Gottman & Silver, 2015).

Gottman & Silver (2015)

John M. Gottman & Nan Silver (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (revised ed.). Harmony. — Gottman's longitudinal research: the "four horsemen" (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, withdrawal) predict relationship failure; contempt is the most powerful predictor.

Muise, Schimmack & Impett (2016)

Amy Muise, Ulrich Schimmack & Emily A. Impett (2016). "Sexual Frequency Predicts Greater Well-Being, But More is Not Always Better." Social Psychological and Personality Science, 7(4), 295–302. doi:10.1177/1948550615616462 — Link between sexual frequency and satisfaction, levelling off beyond once a week (curvilinear, not linear, relationship).

Aron, Norman, Aron, McKenna & Heyman (2000)

Arthur Aron, Christina C. Norman, Elaine N. Aron, Colin McKenna & Richard E. Heyman (2000). "Couples' shared participation in novel and arousing activities and experienced relationship quality." Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 273–284. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.78.2.273 — Self-expansion theory: sharing novel activities increases couple satisfaction (counteracting boredom).

Drigotas, Rusbult, Wieselquist & Whitton (1999)

Stephen M. Drigotas, Caryl E. Rusbult, Jeff Wieselquist & Sarah W. Whitton (1999). "Close partner as sculptor of the ideal self: behavioral affirmation and the Michelangelo phenomenon." Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 77(2), 293–323. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.77.2.293 — The Michelangelo phenomenon: a healthy partner "sculpts" and brings out the best in the other.

Karney & Bradbury (1995)

Benjamin R. Karney & Thomas N. Bradbury (1995). "The longitudinal course of marital quality and stability: a review of theory, method, and research." Psychological Bulletin, 118(1), 3–34. doi:10.1037/0033-2909.118.1.3 PubMed 7644604 — Synthesis of trajectories of marital satisfaction over time (the "honeymoon" effect followed by a frequent decline).

Self-criticism, depression and suicidal ideation

The link between self-criticism and depressive symptoms / suicidal ideation is a robust and replicated finding of clinical psychology (e.g. the work of S. J. Blatt (1995), "The destructiveness of perfectionism", American Psychologist, 50(12), 1003–1020, on so-called "introjective" depression, and meta-analyses on self-compassion and suicidality). A qualitative formulation is retained rather than a single imprecise reference.

Walker (1979)

Lenore E. Walker (1979). The Battered Woman. New York: Harper & Row. — Description of the "cycle of violence" in three phases (tension-building, aggressive explosion, reconciliatory "honeymoon" phase) that helps explain why a victim stays. A founding reference in domestic-violence studies; the model has since been discussed and refined.

Stark (2007)

Evan Stark (2007). Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life. New York: Oxford University Press. — Coercive control as a regime of violence in its own right: not episodic explosions (Walker's cycle), but a continuous erosion of freedom — isolation, surveillance, control of finances, of comings and goings, of associations. This framework accounts for the relationships "without physical violence" that form the heart of this book. Drawn on in Part 3 — Understanding and in the chapter The cycle and change.

Freyd (1997)

Jennifer J. Freyd (1997). "Violations of power, adaptive blindness, and betrayal trauma theory." Feminism & Psychology, 7(1), 22–32. doi:10.1177/0959353597071004 — Introduction of the acronym DARVO (Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender) to describe the recurring response of perpetrators of violence confronted with their acts: deny the facts, attack the credibility of the person reporting them, then reverse the roles of victim and aggressor. The author's reference page, jjfreyd.com/darvo, states explicitly that DARVO is not a test of guilt: a person unjustly accused also defends themselves. Drawn on in the chapter When both call themselves victims.

Harsey, Zurbriggen & Freyd (2017)

Sarah J. Harsey, Eileen L. Zurbriggen & Jennifer J. Freyd (2017). "Perpetrator responses to victim confrontation: DARVO and victim self-blame." Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma, 26(6), 644–663. doi:10.1080/10926771.2017.1320777 — DARVO is a common response during confrontations between victim and perpetrator; the more the reversal is used, the more the wronged person reports feeling responsible for what they suffered. Drawn on in the chapter When both call themselves victims.

Harsey & Freyd (2020)

Sarah Harsey & Jennifer J. Freyd (2020). "Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender (DARVO): What is the influence on perceived perpetrator and victim credibility?" Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma, 29(8), 897–916. doi:10.1080/10926771.2020.1774695 — Exposed to an account built on this pattern, third-party observers judge the perpetrator more credible and the victim less credible: the inversion works on the public, not only on the person concerned. Drawn on in the chapter When both call themselves victims.

American Psychiatric Association, DSM-5 (2013) / DSM-5-TR (2022)

American Psychiatric Association (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed., DSM-5); text revision DSM-5-TR (2022). Washington, DC: APA Publishing. — The reference diagnostic manual, source of the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder and the other personality disorders. DSM categories are debated clinical constructs (and revised from one edition to the next), not fixed natural entities.

Stinson et al. (2008)

F. S. Stinson, D. A. Dawson, R. B. Goldstein, S. P. Chou, et al. (2008). "Prevalence, correlates, disability, and comorbidity of DSM-IV narcissistic personality disorder: results from the Wave 2 National Epidemiologic Survey on Alcohol and Related Conditions." Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, 69(7), 1033–1045. PubMed 18557663 — The prevalence of narcissistic personality disorder in the general population is 6.2% lifetime (7.7% in men, 4.8% in women), and markedly higher in clinical settings. This figure, higher than older DSM estimates (~0.5–1%), is debated: depending on the criteria retained (notably the requirement of distress or functional impairment), prevalence varies widely, and the DSM-5 retains a range of 0 to 6.2%.

Grijalva et al. (2015)

Emily Grijalva, Daniel A. Newman, Louis Tay, M. Brent Donnellan, Peter D. Harms, Richard W. Robins & Taiyi Yan (2015). "Gender differences in narcissism: A meta-analytic review." Psychological Bulletin, 141(2), 261–310. doi:10.1037/a0038231 — Meta-analysis: gender differences in narcissism exist but remain modest (d ≈ 0.26) — often exaggerated in common discourse.

Krizan & Herlache (2018)

Zlatan Krizan & Amy D. Herlache (2018). "The Narcissism Spectrum Model: A synthetic view of narcissistic personality." Personality and Social Psychology Review, 22(1), 3–31. doi:10.1177/1088868316685018 — Narcissism as a spectrum with two dimensions: grandiose (visible, extraverted) and vulnerable (hypersensitive, secretly fragile) — often conflated in everyday language.

Feeney & Collins (2001)

Brooke C. Feeney & Nancy L. Collins (2001). "Predictors of caregiving in adult intimate relationships: An attachment theoretical perspective." Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 80(6), 972–994. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.80.6.972 — The partner's autonomy support (encouraging their independence rather than controlling it) and the quality of support predict the health of the relationship.

Joel, Eastwick et al. (2020)

Samantha Joel, Paul W. Eastwick, et al. (2020). "Machine learning uncovers the most robust self-report predictors of relationship quality across 43 longitudinal couples studies." PNAS, 117(32), 19061–19071. doi:10.1073/pnas.1917036117 — Across more than 11,000 couples, no individual predictor is decisive: it is the perception of the relationship itself (perceived commitment, appreciation, sexual satisfaction) that best predicts relationship quality.

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Contemporary society and gender relations

Sources drawn on in Part 8 ("Contemporaneity") on the contemporary pressures weighing on men and women.

Han (2010)

Byung-Chul Han (2010). Müdigkeitsgesellschaft (The Burnout Society). — A diagnosis of the "achievement society": the pressure no longer comes only from an external authority, but from an internalised self-exploitation. Drawn on to read contemporary exhaustion (the "performer" man, the "nurse" woman).

Evolutionary psychology of female competition

A contested literature lists self-surveillance, social comparison, and relational aggression as the predominant forms of competition between women — see for example Anne Campbell (1999), "Staying alive: evolution, culture, and women's intrasexual aggression", Behavioral and Brain Sciences, 22(2), 203–214, as well as Joyce F. Benenson (2014), Warriors and Worriers: The Survival of the Sexes (with H. Markovits, Oxford University Press), on female competition. To be handled with caution: the evolutionary psychology of female competition is a live and debated field, whose interpretations (notably the part attributed to biology rather than socialisation) are contested. The chapter concerned uses it as one illumination among others, not as a foundation.

NIMH — mental-health statistics

National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH). Mental Health Information → Statistics nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics, consulted in 2026. — Prevalence and suicide-mortality data (notably male) in the United States, used by way of illustration in Part 8. A public, dated statistics page rather than a precise "publication": exact figures vary from year to year and are not reproduced here to the tenth.

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Versions and corrections

This work is kept up to date. Main documented revisions:

• v2.1 — July 2026. Removal of figures not traceable to a source ("7 times", precise durations of false renewal, ratios without a reference); ban on peremptory formulas ("research is unanimous", "validated by neuroscience"); moving the methodological note down into the introduction. Splitting of the former chapter Masculinism, feminism and power into two: a practical chapter (Power in the couple) and an avowed essay. Addition of the coercive control framework (Evan Stark, 2007), a section on false positives and post-traumatic hypervigilance, and a note on non-heterosexual relationships.
• v2.0 — June 2026. Astro → Fumadocs (Next.js) migration; harmonisation and lightening of citations.

Going further

Recognised general-audience resources, to go deeper without falling into unsourced "self-help":

• Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (2002) — a reference on psychological violence and control.
• Bessel van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score (2014) — trauma and its bodily imprint.
• Kristin Neff, Self-Compassion (2011) — self-compassion, an alternative to self-criticism.
• Marshall B. Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication (2003) — nonviolent communication.
• John M. Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (2015) — the foundations of a solid couple.
• Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving (1956) — love as practice and discipline, not as a feeling one undergoes.
• Susan Forward, Emotional Blackmail (1997) — recognising emotional blackmail.
• Sue Johnson, Hold Me Tight (2008) — emotionally focused therapy (EFT): understanding the attachment bond in adults.
• Brené Brown, Daring Greatly (2012) — vulnerability as a strength, against shame and self-criticism.

For professional help, look for a licensed psychologist or psychotherapist in your country, or an association specialised in helping victims of violence.