The lucidity test

"How do you know if they can really change?"

The concept: why you need a lucidity test

You are probably asking yourself this question: Can this person really change?

It is one of the hardest — and most important — questions you can ask yourself. Your answer will determine whether you stay or leave. Whether you keep hoping or whether you give up and rebuild your life.

The problem: hope is a bad counsellor.

Hope makes you see what you want to see. It makes you interpret small improvements as major changes. It makes you believe that "this time is different." It keeps you trapped in a cycle of false hopes and disappointments.

The solution: an objective test. Based on facts, not feelings. A test that distinguishes real change from false renewal.

That is exactly what you will discover in this chapter.

What you will learn:

• Why most promises of change fail
• What science says about the real predictors of change
• How to tell false renewal apart from real renewal
• The clinical signs of authentic change
• A concrete test to evaluate the potential for change
• When to leave for good
• How to heal if you are the oppressor

The hard truth: change is possible, but rare. And it does not come from promises — it comes from deep, sustained, and measurable work.

This chapter will give you the tools to see reality as it is — not as you wish it to be.

What science says

The reality of change in abusive relationships

Researchers have studied treatment programmes for oppressors (called BIPs — Batterer Intervention Programs) for decades. The conclusions are clear.

Recent meta-analyses (2020–2025):

Study	Main conclusion	Impact
Sousa et al. 2024	Treatments reduce the risk of recidivism but effects are modest	13 citations
Cheng et al. 2021	BIPs are more effective than nothing, but less than intensive interventions	195 citations
Arce et al. 2020	Positive but weak-to-moderate effects on reducing recidivism	158 citations

The scientific consensus:

• Interventions show positive but modest effects
• Completion of treatment is one of the strongest predictors of success
• Changes without professional intervention are extremely rare (< 5–10%)
• Change takes years, not weeks

The statistics of change

Programme completion rates:

• Only a portion of participants complete the programmes
• Those who complete have a markedly lower recidivism rate than those who do nothing
• But dropouts have recidivism rates similar to no treatment

Post-treatment recidivism:

• A non-negligible share reoffend in the first year
• A significant share reoffend over 5 years
• The first 3–6 months are the highest-risk period

What this means for you:

• Even with professional treatment, change is not guaranteed
• False renewal (temporary change of 2–4 weeks) is extremely common
• Real change takes 12–24 months minimum
• Most oppressors do not truly change

Scientific predictors of real change

Researchers have identified factors that predict the success or failure of change:

Success factors (Lila et al., 2019 — 116 citations):

• High motivation to change (internal, not external)
• Strong therapeutic alliance with the therapist
• Absence of a history of severe violence
• No substance abuse associated
• Pro-therapeutic behaviours (active participation, homework)

Failure factors (Dehart — 114 citations, Daly — 153 citations):

• High frequency of past violence
• Denial of the problems ("I don't have a problem")
• Rigidity (refusal to consider other perspectives)
• Low education (sometimes associated with less engagement)
• Pro-violence attitudes (beliefs that violence is acceptable)

Comparison table: false renewal vs. real renewal

Aspect	False renewal	Real renewal
Duration of change	2–4 weeks maximum	12–24 months minimum
Responsibility	"Yes, but…" / justification	Total responsibility without "yes but"
Therapy	None or superficial	Active and continuous commitment
Behaviours	Verbal changes only	Verbal changes + actions
Context	Change only under surveillance	Change across all contexts
Pressure	Presses you to forgive fast	Respects your pace and your boundaries
Cycle	The abuse cycle continues	The cycle is interrupted
Attitudes	Minimises the past	Fully acknowledges the past
Actions	"Efforts" demand recognition	Changes without expecting recognition
Consistency	Inconsistent (return to patterns)	Consistent and stable over the long term

The 5 invisible signs of false change

Sign 1: "rapid" change

What you're told: "I've changed, you'll see!"

The reality: real change takes time. Years, not weeks.

What science says:

• Lasting changes require 12–24 months minimum
• Changes in 2–4 weeks are almost always false renewals
• The brain needs time to restructure patterns of thought and behaviour

The test:

• The change has lasted less than 3 months? → False renewal
• The change has been stable for 12–24 months? → Possible real renewal

Sign 2: promises without actions

What you're told: "I'm going to make an effort" / "I'm going to change"

The reality: promises are worth nothing. Actions count.

What science says:

• Intentions (promises) poorly predict future behaviours
• Past actions are the best predictor of future actions
• "Efforts" demanding recognition are red flags

The test:

• Promises a lot but changes little? → False renewal
• Changes without asking for recognition? → Possible real renewal

Sign 3: pressure to forgive

What you're told: "It's been 3 months, when are you going to forgive?"

The reality: real change respects your time and your healing.

What science says:

• Oppressors who press to forgive maintain control
• True repentance includes no expectation of immediate recognition
• The victim's healing often takes longer than the oppressor's change

The test:

• Presses you to "forgive and forget"? → False renewal
• Respects your need for time and distance? → Possible real renewal

Sign 4: external blame

What you're told: "Yes, I shouted, but you pushed me over the edge"

The reality: real change takes 100% responsibility.

What science says:

• Blaming the victim is a strong predictor of recidivism
• Total accountability is essential to real change
• "Yes but"s cancel the apology

The test:

• "Yes, but…" / "It's because…"? → False renewal
• "I was wrong. Period."? → Possible real renewal

Sign 5: absence of professional therapy

What you're told: "I don't need a therapist, I can change on my own"

The reality: lasting change without professional help is extremely rare.

What science says:

• Very few change without professional intervention
• Structured programmes have a higher success rate
• External accountability is crucial

The test:

• Refuses therapy or abandons it? → False renewal
• Actively engaged in therapy for 12–24 months? → Possible real renewal

The lucidity test: 9 revealing questions

Answer these 9 questions honestly. Each "Yes" answer is one point. The more points you have, the higher the potential for real change.

Section A: responsibility and recognition

1. Does this person fully acknowledge their past abuse without minimisation or justification?

• "Yes, but you provoked me" / "It wasn't a big deal" → 0 points
• "I was wrong. I hurt you. I take responsibility for it." → 1 point

2. Has this person completely stopped all abusive behaviours (insults, criticism, threats, control)?

• Some behaviours continue → 0 points
• All abusive behaviours have stopped → 1 point

3. Does this person accept the consequences of their acts without blaming circumstances?

• "It was stress" / "It was the alcohol" / "It was you" → 0 points
• "It was my choice. I take full responsibility for it." → 1 point

Section B: actions and duration

4. Have these changes lasted at least 12–24 months?

• Less than 3 months → 0 points
• 3–11 months → 0.5 points
• 12–24 months or more → 1 point

5. Has this person been actively engaged in therapy or a programme for at least 12 months?

• No therapy / abandoned therapy / passive therapy → 0 points
• Active and continuous therapy for 12+ months → 1 point

6. Are the changes consistent across all contexts (not only when you are there)?

• Changes only with you / under surveillance → 0 points
• Changes everywhere: with you, at work, with family, with friends → 1 point

Section C: respect and boundaries

7. Does this person respect your boundaries and your need for time/space without guilt-tripping you?

• Guilt-trips you / presses you to "forgive" → 0 points
• Respects your pace and your decisions → 1 point

8. Has this person changed without expecting recognition or "rewards"?

• "Look at my efforts" / "After all I've done" → 0 points
• Changes because it's right, not to be congratulated → 1 point

9. Does an independent professional (therapist, mediator) confirm this change?

• No professional / sceptical professional → 0 points
• Professional confirms the real changes → 1 point

Test interpretation

Score	Potential for change	Recommendation
0–2 points	None	Leave. Protect yourself.
3–4 points	Very low	Leaving is strongly recommended.
5–6 points	Low to moderate	Wait 12 more months. Re-evaluate.
7–8 points	Moderate to high	Possible real renewal. Active monitoring.
9 points	High	Real change possible. Stay vigilant.

IMPORTANT

A score of 9/9 does not guarantee change — it only indicates a high potential. Recidivism can still occur, even after years. Your safety remains the absolute priority.

The way out: when to leave for good

Sometimes, the lucidity test's answer is clear: there is no real change possible.

Or perhaps you have been waiting for years. You gave chances. You tried. You believed.

It is time to leave.

How to know it's time to leave?

Signs it's time to leave:

• The lucidity test score is 0–3 points
• The abuse continues or worsens
• You have already made at least 2–3 departure attempts and returned
• You constantly walk on eggshells
• You have lost confidence in your own judgement
• Your loved ones all tell you to leave
• You feel exhausted, depressed, hopeless

Important truth: leaving is not a failure. It is an act of courage and lucidity.

How to leave safely?

1. Prepare your departure in secret

• Don't warn your partner
• Gather important documents
• Prepare an emergency bag
• Identify a safe place (friends, family, refuge)

2. Seek support

• Local victim-support associations

3. Secure your means

• Open a separate bank account if possible
• Change your passwords
• Inform your circle of your decision

4. Leave when it's safe

• Choose a moment when your partner is absent
• Leave no contact address if you fear reprisals
• Cut or drastically reduce contact after leaving

5. Protect yourself legally

• File a complaint if necessary
• Request a protection order
• Document everything (messages, injuries, witnesses)

After leaving

The first weeks are the most dangerous:

• The risk of recidivism is highest in the first 3 months
• The majority of domestic homicides occur after leaving
• Be extremely vigilant

Protect yourself:

• Change your habits
• Inform your circle of your new address
• Cut contact with your ex
• Seek therapeutic support

The healing path: for the oppressor

If you are on the oppressor's side — if you recognise these patterns in yourself — this book is also addressed to you.

The hard truth: you cannot change alone. You need professional help.

Step 1: recognise

Honest questions:

• Do I criticise, belittle, threaten, or control my partner?
• Have I ever had a violent behaviour (physical, verbal, sexual)?
• Is my partner afraid of me?
• Do I blame my partner for my reactions?
• Do I minimise what I do?

If the answer is "yes" to any of these questions:

Recognise it. That is the first step of change.

Step 2: accept responsibility

What is NOT responsibility:

• "Yes, but you provoked me"
• "It was because I was stressed"
• "I didn't know what I was doing"
• "You're exaggerating"

What IS responsibility:

• "I was wrong"
• "I am responsible for my actions"
• "I must change"
• "I'm going to seek help"

Step 3: engage in therapy

Types of effective therapies:

• CBT (Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy): Restructuring of violent thoughts
• Couples therapy (only if the violence has stopped)
• Support groups for oppressors
• BIP programmes

What works:

• Long-term commitment (12–24 months minimum)
• Active participation (not just "being there")
• Homework and practice between sessions
• Total honesty with the therapist

Step 4: change behaviours

Concrete actions:

• Immediately stop all abusive behaviour
• Learn nonviolent communication
• Manage anger without resorting to violence
• Respect your partner's boundaries
• Accept the consequences of your acts

Step 5: repair

What is NOT repair:

• "I've changed, so you must forgive me"
• "Look at all my efforts"
• Asking to be congratulated for "doing the minimum"

What IS repair:

• Acknowledging the pain caused
• Accepting that forgiveness takes time
• Not blaming the victim if they don't forgive
• Changing without expecting recognition

Important truth

Even if you truly change, your partner may choose to leave. That is their right. Repair does not guarantee reconciliation.

Convergence of the Wisdoms

Al-Ghazâlî: the diseases of the soul

Al-Ghazâlî (1058–1111) identifies several "diseases of the soul" that are remarkably relevant for oppressors:

1. Pride

• Believing oneself superior to others
• Refusing to acknowledge one's wrongs
• The Jungian "False God": believing oneself perfect

2. Anger

• Inability to control one's emotions
• Explosive reactions
• Physical or verbal violence

3. Injustice

• Abusing one's power
• Belittling others
• Not respecting others' dignity

Healing according to Al-Ghazâlî:

• Make the diagnosis: Recognise the disease
• Apply the opposite: Cultivate humility, patience, justice
• Endure the bitterness of the treatment (change is hard)
• Increase progressively: Change little by little

Modern parallel: cognitive-behavioural therapies do exactly this — identify harmful patterns and replace them with healthy patterns. (See Ihyâ' 'ulûm al-dîn (The Revival of the Religious Sciences), Al-Ghazâlî.)

Carl Jung: the Shadow and individuation

The concept of the Shadow:

• The part of ourselves we refuse to see
• Our dark qualities that we project onto others
• The oppressor doesn't see their own violence — they project it onto their victim

The "False God":

(Jungian concept defined in Chapter 10 — Narcissism.)

• The oppressor believes themselves perfect
• They have no access to their Shadow
• They project all flaws onto their victim ("It's your fault that…")

Shadow work:

• Recognise: "I am capable of violence"
• Integrate: "It is a part of me that I must transform"
• Individuation: Becoming fully oneself, shadow included

True Jungian change:

• Accept one's share of shadow
• No longer project it onto others
• Transform it consciously

Stoicism: what depends on us

Epictetus:

"It does not depend on you to be rich, but it depends on you not to covet wealth. It does not depend on you to be powerful, but it depends on you not to covet power."

Applied to change:

• It does not depend on you to change your partner
• It depends on you to change yourself
• It depends on you to leave if your partner does not change

Marcus Aurelius:

"You have power over your mind — not over outside events. Realise this, and you will find strength."

Application:

• You cannot control whether your partner changes
• You can control your decision to stay or leave
• Lucidity is a strength, not a weakness

Philosophy: Kant's imperative

The categorical imperative:

"Act only according to that maxim by which you can at the same time will that it should become a universal law."

Applied to relationships:

• If everyone treated their partner the way I do, what would society be?
• Do I want to be treated the way I treat the other?

The answer for the oppressor:

• If everyone were violent with their partner, society would be unliveable
• The oppressor would not want to be treated the way they treat the other

Kantian conclusion: abuse is morally unacceptable because it can never be universalised. (Immanuel Kant, Groundwork of the Metaphysics of Morals (1785).)

Religious wisdoms

Christianity:

"Confess your sins to one another" (James 5:16) "The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control" (Galatians 5:22–23)

Islam:

"The best of you are those who are best to their women" (Hadith) "The strong is not the one who physically fights, but the one who controls themselves in anger" (Hadith)

Judaism:

"Who is honoured? The one who honours others" (Pirkei Avot) "Truthful speech, true peace, equitable judgement" (Zechariah 8:16)

Universal convergence: all traditions agree on the same principles:

• Mutual respect
• Self-control
• Responsibility
• Benevolence

Practical exercises

Exercise 1: the change journal (for the victim)

Duration: 4 weeks

Goal: objectively document the changes (or absence of changes)

Instructions:

1. Every evening, note in a journal:
   • Positive behaviours observed
   • Negative behaviours observed
   • Promises made
   • Promises kept (or not)
   • Your feelings and intuitions
2. After 4 weeks, reread your journal
3. Reflection questions:
   • Is there a real improvement?
   • Are the changes consistent?
   • Are the promises kept?
   • What patterns do you observe?

Important

Keep this journal secret, in a safe place.

Exercise 2: the in-depth lucidity test (for the victim)

Duration: 1 hour

Goal: objectively evaluate the potential for change

Instructions:

1. Take the lucidity test (the 9 questions above)
2. For each question, note concrete examples
   • "They said X" / "They did Y"
   • "This happened on such-and-such a date"
   • "Witness: such-and-such a person"
3. Also note the red flags:
   • Moments when they minimised
   • Moments when they blamed.
   • Moments when they pressed to forgive
4. Ask a trusted friend to reread your evaluation
5. Conclusion:
   • What is your score?
   • What is your decision?
   • What do you need to act?

Exercise 3: the diagnosis of the soul (for the oppressor)

Duration: 30–60 minutes

Goal: recognise one's own patterns

Instructions:

1. Find a quiet moment, alone
2. Answer the following questions in writing:
   • What abusive behaviours have I had toward my partner?
   • What "reasons" do I give myself to justify these behaviours?
   • Do I blame my partner for my reactions?
   • Do I minimise what I do?
   • Is my partner afraid of me?
   • Have I ever had a violent behaviour?
3. Recognise:
   • "I have a problem"
   • "I must change"
   • "I cannot change alone"
4. Commitments:
   • "I'm going to contact a therapist this week"
   • "I'm going to immediately stop all abusive behaviour"
   • "I'm going to take responsibility for my actions"

Important

If you have violent behaviours, consult a professional immediately. It is not shameful — it is courageous.

Exercise 4: the letter of truth (for both)

Duration: 45 minutes

Goal: clarify your feelings and intentions

For the victim:

1. Write a letter to your partner (that you may not send)
2. Be honest about:
   • What you feel
   • What you have suffered
   • Your hopes and your fears
   • Your decision (stay or leave)
3. Reread the letter aloud
4. Ask yourself: "Do I really want to stay?"

For the oppressor:

1. Write a letter to your partner (that you may not send)
2. Be honest about:
   • What you did
   • Why you acted that way
   • Your commitment to change
   • What you are concretely going to do
3. Reread the letter aloud
4. Ask yourself: "Do I really want to change?"

Summary of key points

What you should remember from this chapter:

1. Change is possible but rare

• Less than 5–10% change without professional help
• Treatment programmes have modest effects
• Real change takes 12–24 months minimum

2. False renewal is extremely common

• Changes of 2–4 weeks followed by recidivism
• Promises without actions
• External blame ("yes but…")
• Pressure to forgive quickly

3. Real change has precise criteria

• Total responsibility without minimisation
• Active and continuous therapy
• Changes across all contexts
• Respect for the victim's boundaries and pace
• Duration of 12–24 months minimum

4. The lucidity test gives objective criteria

• 9 revealing questions
• Score of 0–9 points
• Clear interpretation of results

5. Sometimes, you must leave

• If the score is 0–3, leave
• If the abuse continues, leave
• If you have already made 2–3 attempts, leave
• It is not a failure — it is lucidity

6. If you are the oppressor, you can change

• But you cannot change alone
• Consult a professional immediately
• Take total responsibility
• Change is a long and difficult process

7. All the wisdoms converge

• Al-Ghazâlî: Diagnosis, opposites, treatment
• Jung: Shadow work
• Stoicism: Self-control and lucidity
• Kant: Universalisation of morality
• Religions: Respect, peace, self-mastery

8. You deserve a healthy relationship

• Freely shared
• Founded on mutual respect
• Without fear, without control
• Where you are yourself