Threats and blackmail vs. safety

"Safety in a relationship comes not from the fear of losing the other, but from trust in what you build together."

— Relational adage

What emotional blackmail is

Emotional blackmail is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person uses fear, obligation, and guilt (the "FOG," a model popularised by Susan Forward) to control their partner's behaviour.

Unlike a normal conflict where both people express their needs, emotional blackmail involves:

• Threats of breakup: "If you don't do that, I'm leaving you"
• Exploiting vulnerabilities: Using the other's fears as a weapon
• Manufactured urgency: Creating crises to force immediate action
• Guilt-tripping: Making the other feel selfish or guilty

What science says

Scientific definition (2025):

"Emotional blackmail is a repetitive emotional manipulation in which, to obtain compliance, a perpetrator threatens to cause harm…"

The FOG model validated by research (2025):

• F — Fear: Threats of breakup, of abandonment
• O — Obligation: "If you loved me, you would do that"
• G — Guilt: Making the other feel responsible

Impact on mental health: Research on relationship breakups shows that many people going through a breakup report serious mental-health problems including anxiety, depression, trauma, and fear of abandonment.

Neurobiological mechanisms: The threat activates the amygdala (the brain's fear centre), creating a state of hypervigilance. A brain in distress can no longer think rationally, which explains why people under blackmail often give in despite themselves.

The difference: healthy conflict vs. blackmail

Aspect	Healthy conflict	Emotional blackmail
Communication	Both express their needs	Breakup is used as control
Safety	Stable safety, trust	Permanent insecurity, constant fear
Freedom	Freedom of choice for both	Control through fear
Vulnerabilities	Protected and respected	Exploited as weapons
Decisions	Made freely and mutually	Made under pressure
Long term	Strengthening of the bond	Erosion of trust, trauma

The gradual escalation of threats

Threats do not begin with physical violence. They follow a gradual escalation that can be hard to recognise when you live inside the relationship.

How to handle it if you are subjected to it

Step 1: recognise the blackmail

Signs you are under blackmail:

• The other regularly threatens to leave
• You modify your behaviour out of fear
• You live in permanent insecurity
• The other uses your vulnerabilities against you
• You do things you don't want to in order to avoid the breakup

Step 2: remove the power of the threat

"A threat only has power if you fear it."

Immediate actions:

• Say calmly: "That's your choice"
• Don't beg, don't negotiate
• Don't change your behaviour
• Accept that the breakup may happen

Why it works: Research on exposure therapy shows that desensitisation works. By calmly confronting the threat, you remove its emotional power.

Step 3: protect your vulnerability

Protecting your vulnerabilities:

• Stop sharing your fears with the other
• Recognise that the other uses them as weapons
• Share with trusted people
• No longer give ammunition

Step 4: create your own safety

Rebuilding programme (based on resilience research):

Weeks 1–2: basic safety

• Create a safe space (physical and emotional)
• Identify your values and non-negotiables
• Start a journal of your emotions

Weeks 3–4: autonomy

• Reconnect with social contacts
• Develop personal interests
• Build a support network

Weeks 5–8: self-confidence

• Therapy (if possible)
• Exercises to reclaim agency (a sense of control over one's life)
• Practise autonomous decisions

Months 3–6: identity rebuilding

• Rediscover who you are
• Define your needs in a relationship
• Prepare for a healthy future relationship

How to heal if you subject others to it

Critical recognition

If you use fear and threats to control, you have a serious problem.

Crucial question

Why do you use fear to control?

Possible answers (based on research):

• Visceral fear of abandonment
• You don't trust the relationship
• You need control to feel safe
• You don't know any other way

The mandatory work — individual therapy

Research on coercive control shows that this behaviour is often tied to unresolved attachment trauma. Therapy is non-negotiable for:

• Understanding the origin of your fear of abandonment
• Learning to create safety through trust
• Learning to tolerate uncertainty
• Working on abandonment trauma

Practising trust (every day)

Daily exercises:

• NEVER threaten to leave
• Express your needs without threats
• Create safety through consistency
• Say: "I trust you to handle this"
• Accept that the other may leave (freedom)

Convergence of the Wisdoms

Modern research in psychology joins what the ancient wisdoms taught for centuries.

Al-Ghazâlî: courage as the antidote

Al-Ghazâlî's analysis:

For the person subjected to it:

You are in a deficiency of COURAGE:

• You don't dare resist the threats
• You don't dare say "Then leave"
• You accept the unacceptable out of fear

Al-Ghazâlî's antidote:

Temporarily cultivate BOLDNESS (the opposite of cowardice):

1. Dare to confront the threat: Say calmly "Then leave"
2. Remove the power: Recognise that the threat is empty
3. Recognise: Safety does not depend on the other

"Courage consists not in not being afraid, but in acting despite the fear"

— Universal principle on courage

Scientific validation: Exposure therapies (confronting the fear) are validated as an effective treatment for anxiety disorders.

For the oppressor:

Al-Ghazâlî identifies a double deficiency:

• Deficiency of COURAGE: They threaten out of cowardice (fear of abandonment)
• Deficiency of TRUST: They don't trust the relationship or themselves

The remedy:

• Recognise that the threat destroys trust
• Learn to create safety through trust, not fear
• Work on the fear of abandonment

Carl Jung: archetypes of fear

The Jungian analysis:

The oppressor embodies two archetypes simultaneously:

1. The TYRANT (public figure)

• Dominating, controlling, threatening
• Uses fear to establish their power
• Crushes the other's autonomy

2. The FRIGHTENED CHILD (hidden side)

• Terrorised by abandonment
• Uses the threat as preventive protection
• Doesn't know how to create safety through trust

The person subjected to it embodies:

1. The WOUNDED CHILD

• Seeks the protection they didn't receive
• Idealises the oppressor as a parental figure
• Awaits the secure love they didn't receive

2. The SCAPEGOAT

• Carries the blame for all the problems
• Blamed for the other's insecurities
• Responsible for "making" the relationship work

"What we do not know about ourselves, we meet as fate"

— C.G. Jung (1875–1961)

Scientific validation: Research on attachment validates that childhood trauma creates repetitive relational patterns.

Philosophy: freedom and violence

Jean-Paul Sartre — absolute freedom:

Even when the other threatens, you are free:

• You are free to resist
• You are free to say "Then leave"
• You are free to leave yourself
• Fear does not take away your freedom, it only hides it

"Man is condemned to be free"

— Jean-Paul Sartre (1905–1980)

Scientific validation: Neuroscience shows that even under stress, the prefrontal cortex (the seat of decision) remains active.

Stoicism — what depends on us:

• What does not depend on us: The other's threats, their reactions
• What depends on us: Our response, our courage, our boundaries

Practical implication:

"You cannot control whether the other threatens, but you can control whether you fear it."

Practical exercises: toward safety

These exercises are based on research-validated therapies (CBT, exposure therapy, attachment therapy).

Exercise 1: the threat test (desensitisation)

Scientific basis: Exposure therapy — gradual confrontation with the fear.

When the other threatens, practise this:

1. Breathe deeply (3 times)

• Inhale 4 seconds
• Hold 4 seconds
• Exhale 4 seconds

2. Say calmly: "I understand that you're nervous, but I'm not going to change out of fear of your leaving."

3. Observe: Does the other really leave?

• Most of the time, the threat is empty

4. Note in a journal:

• The date
• The threat
• Your response
• The outcome (did they leave?)

Goal: Remove the power of the threat by seeing that it is often empty.

Duration: Practise at every threat for 4–6 weeks.

Exercise 2: the safety scan (reconnection)

Scientific basis: Mindfulness and reconnection to the body.

Every evening, take 10 minutes:

1. Sit comfortably, close your eyes

2. Scan your body:

• Where do you feel tension?
• Where is the fear in your body?
• How does your body react to threats?

3. Ask yourself:

• "Did I feel safe today?"
• "When did I modify my behaviour out of fear?"
• "When did I want to defend myself but didn't?"

4. Identify:

• "What is the worst thing that could happen?"
• "Could I survive that thing?"

Goal: Reconnect with your feelings and recognise your capacity to survive.

Duration: Practise daily for 8 weeks.

Exercise 3: the letter of courage (boldness)

Scientific basis: Cognitive-behavioural therapy — restructuring of thoughts.

Take 30 minutes to write:

For yourself (not for the other):

1. List the threats you have received

• "If you don't do that, I'm leaving you"
• "You'll end up alone"
• etc.

2. For each threat, write:

• "What am I afraid will happen?"
• "Is this fear realistic?"
• "If it happened, could I survive?"

3. Write your letter of courage:

• "Dear Me,"
• "I'm afraid that…"
• "But I know that…"
• "I am capable of…"
• "I deserve…"
• "I choose…"

4. Keep this letter and reread it when you're afraid

Goal: Strengthen your confidence in your capacity to cope.

Duration: Once, then reread regularly.

Summary of key points

What to remember

On threats and blackmail:

1. Emotional blackmail uses fear, obligation, and guilt (FOG) to control
2. Many people in a breakup report fear of abandonment and trauma
3. Threats activate the amygdala, creating a state of hypervigilance
4. Most threats are control strategies, not real intentions to leave

On safety vs. insecurity: 5. A healthy relationship cannot be based on threats 6. Permanent insecurity is a symptom of relational trauma 7. Inner safety is built through self-trust 8. Removing the power of the threat can be learned and it works

Convergence of wisdoms and science: 9. Al-Ghazâlî: Courage (confronting the threat) is the antidote to cowardice (giving in out of fear) 10. Jung: The oppressor is both Tyrant (dominator) and Frightened Child (fear of abandonment) 11. Sartre: Even under threat, you remain free to choose 12. Stoicism: You don't control the other's threats, but your response

Message of hope

You do not have to live in constant fear. Safety is possible, but it begins by refusing to be controlled by fear.

"True safety comes not from the other's promise not to leave, but from the knowledge that you will survive if they do."

If you are under the grip of threats:

• Recognise that you deserve better than this
• Remove the power of the threat by confronting it calmly
• Rebuild your inner safety
• Leave if the threats continue

If you use threats:

• Recognise that you are destroying what you claim to love
• Undertake serious therapy
• Learn to create safety through trust, not fear
• Heal your own fear of abandonment

Relational safety exists. It begins with the courage to refuse insecurity.

Sources — The sources for this chapter and the whole work are gathered on the References & Sources page.