Why patterns emerge

Introduction: understanding the roots of the harm

Together we have explored the toxic behaviours: belittling, manipulation, control, imbalance, threats. We have seen how to recognise them, how to name them, how to protect ourselves from them.

But one crucial question remains, a question that haunts many people:

Why?

Why do these patterns exist? Why do some people reproduce them? Why, after having suffered so much, does one end up subjecting the other to what one has oneself suffered?

This chapter marks an important transition. We leave Part 2 (Recognising the toxic patterns) to enter Part 3 (Understanding the root causes). Because understanding the why is essential to truly heal.

Modern science teaches us something powerful: relational patterns do not come from nowhere. They are learned, transmitted, inherited. Not genetically, but through a complex mechanism blending biology, psychology, culture, and family.

The good news? What has been learned can be unlearned. What has been transmitted can be transformed. This chapter will give you the keys to understand your story, and above all, to not reproduce it.

What science says

Intergenerational transmission

Research in developmental psychology has shown that relational patterns are transmitted from one generation to the next. A 2024 meta-analysis covering 45 studies and 25,000 participants (Thornberry et al.) revealed that:

• 1 person in 3 who suffered violence in childhood will become violent in turn
• 2 people in 3 do NOT reproduce the patterns — so it is not a fatality
• A large share of violent people were witnesses or victims of violence in their childhood

How does this work? Several mechanisms come into play.

1. observational learning

From the age of 3, children absorb parental conflicts and modes of relating (Cummings & Davies, 2023). They observe:

• How parents speak to each other (or don't)
• How they resolve conflicts (or avoid them)
• How they express affection (or withhold it)
• How they manage anger (or explode it)

Albert Bandura, father of social learning theory, demonstrated that children reproduce observed behaviours, even without direct instruction. They imitate what they see, particularly from authority figures.

2. the formation of relational schemas

Jean-Pierre is 6 years old. He sees his father shout at his mother when she hasn't prepared the meal on time. He sees his mother cry in silence. Jean-Pierre doesn't intervene, but he records.

Twenty years later, Jean-Pierre is in a couple. One evening, his partner comes home late. An anger rises in him, uncontrollable. He shouts. He doesn't understand why. It is automatic. It is what he saw done. It has become, for him, a "normal" way to react.

Relational schemas form mainly between 0 and 7 years, a critical period when the brain is highly plastic and the child builds their "model of the world" ¹.

3. the neurobiology of transmission

Recent neuroscience has discovered something fascinating: traumas leave biological marks that can be transmitted.

Yehuda and Bierer (2024) demonstrated that severe traumas modify the expression of genes (epigenetics) linked to stress regulation. These modifications can be transmitted to the next generation.

Concretely:

• People who suffered trauma in childhood often have dysregulated cortisol (stress hormone) levels
• Their fear circuits (amygdala) are hyperactive
• Their emotional regulation circuits (prefrontal cortex) are less effective

The good news: Neuroplasticity means the brain can change. Several years of therapy can modify these circuits and create healthier new neural patterns.

Cultural influences

Beyond the family, the culture we move in strongly influences our relational models.

A 2024 multinational study covering 47 countries (Heise et al.) revealed that:

• In patriarchal cultures, there is 3 times more domestic violence
• The cultural normalisation of violence correlates directly with its individual acceptance
• Exposure to violence in the media increases the acceptance of abusive behaviours

The media and relationships

A 2023 study (Vangaalen et al.) on 3,500 young adults (18–25 years) showed that:

• Many report that the media (films, series, social networks) have influenced their relationship expectations
• Romantic films often create unrealistic expectations
• Series like 50 Shades or You normalise control and jealousy as "proofs of love"
• Social networks feed comparison, insecurity, and relationship anxiety

We bathe in a culture that, paradoxically, often romanticises relational toxicity. "Passionate" and "chaotic" relationships are presented as more romantic than calm, secure relationships.

Inherited patterns vs. awareness

Aspect	Inherited patterns (Unconscious)	Awareness + Choice
Origin	"I've always done it that way"	"I understand where it comes from"
Models	What we saw in childhood	What we consciously choose
Beliefs	"It's normal"	"I question it"
Reactions	Automatic, impulsive	Considered, adjusted
Perception	"The other is the problem"	"I am responsible for my reactions"
Transmission	Reproduction of patterns	Interruption of the cycle
Benefit	Familiarity, apparent safety	Freedom, authenticity
Cost	Repetition of suffering	Effort of change
Self-esteem	Fragile, dependent on the other	Strengthened by self-work
Future	More of the same	Possibility of creating differently

The signs you don't see

If you grew up in a toxic environment, you probably carry "invisible marks" — patterns, beliefs, reactions that you consider "normal" but that are not.

Here are signs that you are reproducing inherited patterns:

1. the familiarity of danger

You feel more "at ease" in chaotic or unstable relationships than in calm ones. When everything is going well, you get bored or you mistrust. Conflict feels familiar, peace feels suspect.

The science: The brain prefers familiarity to comfort, even when that familiarity is painful. This is called the "status quo bias."

2. hypervigilance

You are constantly on alert, scanning the other's mood, anticipating a conflict, apologising even before having done anything wrong. This hypervigilance was necessary in your childhood to survive, but it no longer has reason to exist today.

The science: The amygdala (the brain's fear centre) tends to be more reactive in people who suffered trauma in childhood.

3. self-sabotage

When a relationship is too healthy, too calm, too safe, you unconsciously find a way to destabilise it. You create conflicts. You focus on imaginary flaws. You flee.

The science: Early maladaptive schemas ² are deeply entrenched beliefs formed in childhood that push us to recreate familiar situations, even when they are painful.

4. abnormal tolerance

You accept behaviours that your friends find unacceptable. "It's not that bad," "They didn't mean it," "I provoked them."

The science: Gradual desensitisation makes us accept increasing levels of toxicity as "normal."

5. repetitive partner choice

You systematically attract the same type of partner — even if that isn't what you consciously want. You tell yourself "This time will be different," but the scenario ends up repeating.

The science: According to attachment theory, we are drawn to partners who confirm our internal models, even when those models are negative (Hazan & Shaver, 1987).

The lucidity test: what is your relational inheritance?

This test will help you identify the patterns you have inherited. Answer honestly — for yourself, not to judge your parents.

Part A: the family environment

1. How did your parents handle conflicts?

• They talked about it calmly and found solutions
• There was shouting, insults
• Silence, avoidance, cold tension
• Sometimes physical violence

2. How did your parents express affection?

• Verbally ("I love you"), physically (cuddles)
• Rarely or never
• Through acts of service, but no words
• Conditionally ("I love you when you're good")

3. How did your parents talk about the other in their absence?

• With respect, even in disagreement
• With criticism, devaluation
• With insults, contempt
• They didn't talk about the other

4. Were there taboo subjects in your family?

• No, you could talk about anything
• Yes, emotions, problems
• Yes, money, sex, politics
• Yes, anything concerning the family

Part B: repetitive patterns

5. Today, in your relationships, you:

• Often seek the other's validation
• Fear abandonment when everything is going well
• Flee emotional intimacy
• Accept behaviours you shouldn't

6. When there is a conflict, you:

• Flee it to avoid confrontation
• React strongly, angrily, immediately
• Apologise even when it's not your fault
• Try to understand calmly

7. In the domain of affection, you:

• Have difficulty saying "I love you"
• Show your affection through acts, not words
• Smother the other with affection
• Find it difficult to receive affection

Part C: becoming aware

8. Have you ever said: "I've become my father/my mother"?

• Yes, and it scares me
• Yes, but I laugh about it
• No, never
• I don't know

9. Do your relationships resemble your parents'?

• Yes, a lot
• A little
• No, they are very different
• I don't know, I didn't know my parents

Interpretation

Analysis

More than 3 answers in columns 2–4 (for questions 1–4): You have probably inherited toxic relational patterns. It is not your fault. It is the result of what you saw, lived, learned.

More than 3 answers in columns 1–2 (for questions 5–7): Unconscious patterns influence your current relationships.

A "yes" answer to questions 8–9: Recognition is the first step toward change.

The way out: breaking the cycle

If you have identified inherited patterns, know this: you are not condemned to reproduce them. Science is clear: what has been learned can be unlearned.

Here are the steps to break the cycle:

Step 1: become aware (lucidity)

The first step is to recognise what you lived through. Not to blame your parents (themselves probably victims of their own inheritances), but to understand.

Quick exercise: Note 5 relational behaviours you observed in your childhood. Then note which of those behaviours you reproduce today.

The science: Awareness alone activates neural circuits of emotional regulation ³.

Step 2: understand the mechanism (intellectualisation)

Understanding why you react the way you react helps you not judge yourself. Your reactions are not "bad" — they are survival strategies that were necessary in your childhood but are no longer needed today.

The science: Intellectual understanding of psychological mechanisms reduces the emotional intensity of reactions (mentalisation process)⁴.

Step 3: identify triggers (mapping)

Which situations trigger your automatic reactions?

• Real or perceived abandonment
• Criticism
• The feeling of not being good enough
• Conflict
• Emotional intimacy

The science: Identifying triggers creates a "pause" between stimulus and response, allowing your prefrontal cortex (the seat of reasoning) to regain control over your amygdala (the seat of emotion) ⁵.

Step 4: create new models (re-education)

To break the cycle, you must relearn what a healthy relationship is. This can be done in several ways:

Therapy: Cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) or attachment therapy are particularly effective. Studies suggest a significant reduction in toxic behaviours after therapy.

Healthy models: Observe healthy couples, read books, attend workshops. The brain learns through observation, at any age.

The therapeutic relationship: The relationship with a therapist can become a "corrective attachment" — an experience that modifies your internal models.

The science: The adult brain remains plastic. Several years of therapeutic work can create new neural circuits.

The path of healing: for those who recognise being the oppressor

If you are reading this and recognise yourself in the oppressor's behaviours, know this: recognising that you have a problem is an act of immense courage. Most oppressors never question their behaviours. You are doing it. That is the first step toward change.

What science says about change

Studies on oppressors who engage in a process of change reveal that:

• A significant number of them manage to change their behaviours with serious, sustained therapeutic commitment
• Change takes 3 to 5 years of constant work
• Success factors: complete taking of responsibility, individual therapy, willingness to change deeply

The stages of healing

1. Accept total responsibility

No "buts," no excuses, no blaming the other. You alone are responsible for your behaviours.

2. Understand your origins

Where did you learn these behaviours? What did you see, live, suffer? Understanding your origins excuses nothing, but explains everything.

3. Engage in mandatory therapy

You cannot heal alone. Oppressors who change successfully do so with the help of a professional trained in abusive behaviours.

4. Practise daily

Change demands daily work on yourself: anger management, nonviolent communication, empathy, respect.

5. Accept that the other may leave

True healing involves accepting that the person you have hurt may choose to leave. Change is not a negotiation to keep the other — it is a commitment to become a better person.

Convergence of the Wisdoms

What science discovers today, the wisdom traditions taught for millennia.

Al-Ghazâlî (11th century): the child as a sponge

Al-Ghazâlî writes in Ihyâ' 'Ulûm ad-Dîn⁶:

"The child is a treasure entrusted to their parents. Their heart is empty like a precious stone without engraving. It accepts everything engraved upon it. If it is habituated to good, it will be good. If it is habituated to evil, it will be evil."

This 11th-century intuition resonates with a contemporary observation: the child's brain is highly plastic and records the relational patterns it lives.

Al-Ghazâlî adds:

"Habits taken in childhood become a second nature."

What modern psychology calls "early schemas" or "internal working models."

Al-Ghazâlî's healing method:

1. Make the diagnosis (recognise the pattern)
2. Correct by applying the opposite
3. Endure the bitterness of the treatment (change is hard)
4. Increase progressively

This method is almost identical to modern cognitive-behavioural therapy.

→ See the full diagram: Al-Ghazâlî's tree — the faculties of the heart and their virtues.

Jung (20th century): the inherited shadow

Carl Gustav Jung wrote:

"Children are the projections of their parents' shadows. What parents have not resolved in themselves, the children will live out."

This concept of the shadow — the refused aspects of oneself — is transmitted from one generation to the next. If a parent has not worked on their own anger, that anger "inhabits" the child.

Jung also said:

"What is not lived consciously will be lived unconsciously as fate."

If you do not become aware of your inherited patterns, you will live them as a fatality, as "just the way it is." Awareness breaks this cycle.

Jung's individuation process — becoming fully oneself by integrating one's shadow — is exactly what science today calls "breaking the intergenerational cycle."

Stoic philosophy: we choose our reactions

Epictetus (2nd century) wrote:

"What troubles people is not things, but the judgements they make about things."

The events of our childhood do not determine our future. What determines our future is how we choose to react to them.

Marcus Aurelius wrote in his Meditations⁷:

"You have the power to free yourself from your past. You are not what others made you be. You are what you choose to be today."

This philosophy resonates with an established fact: thanks to neuroplasticity, the brain can change at any age.

Practical exercises

Exercise 1: the relational family tree (30 minutes)

This exercise will help you visualise the patterns transmitted in your family.

Instructions:

1. Take a large sheet of paper.
2. Draw your family tree over 3 generations (you, your parents, your grandparents).
3. For each person, note:

• Their relational style (controlling, manipulative, distant, warm, etc.)
• Their major conflicts (divorces, separations, violence)
• Their relational strengths

4. Then, in red, circle the patterns that repeat from one generation to the next.
5. In green, identify the cycle breaks — someone who did differently.

Reflection questions:

• Which patterns do you see repeating?
• Where do you sit in this tree? Are you continuing the patterns or breaking them?
• Who could be your model of cycle-breaking?

Scientific basis: Visualising intergenerational patterns activates metacognitive awareness (the process of reflecting on oneself), essential for change ³.

Exercise 2: identify the inheritances (20 minutes)

This exercise will help you consciously identify what you have "inherited."

Instructions:

For each domain, answer: "What did I see done in my childhood?"

Domains:

1. How anger is expressed
2. How affection is expressed
3. How conflicts are resolved
4. How money is talked about
5. How sex is talked about
6. How partners are treated
7. How stress is managed
8. How help is asked for

For each answer, then note:

• Do I reproduce this today?
• Do I want to continue or change?

Scientific basis: Explicitly becoming aware of implicit models is the first step of change ².

Exercise 3: the letter to the child I was (30 minutes)

This powerful healing exercise lets you reconnect with your inner child.

Instructions:

1. Settle in a quiet place.
2. Close your eyes and imagine the child you were at 7 years old.
3. Write a letter to that child. In this letter:

• Acknowledge what they lived through
• Validate their emotions
• Tell them what you would have wanted to hear back then
• Promise them to change the patterns now

Example beginning:

"Dear little [your first name] of 7 years old, I see you. I see you in that kitchen where your parents were shouting at each other. I see you trembling. I see you telling yourself it was your fault. It was not your fault. You were a child. You were not responsible…"

Scientific basis: This kind of "re-parenting" exercise activates self-compassion circuits and modifies early schemas ⁸.

Exercise 4: create your new model (20 minutes a day for 21 days)

This exercise is a 21-day programme to create new relational patterns.

Each day, answer these questions in a journal:

Days 1–7: observation

• Today, which pattern did I notice in myself?
• Where might it come from?
• How did it manifest?

Days 8–14: experimentation

• If I wanted to react differently, how could I?
• Which new reaction am I going to try today?
• How did the experiment go?

Days 15–21: consolidation

• Which change did I manage to put in place?
• Which new habit do I want to keep?
• What do I feel when I act differently?

Scientific basis: It takes on average about sixty days for a new behaviour to begin to automatise (the median is around 66 days, with strong individual variation)⁹.

Summary of key points

Why do patterns emerge?

1. Intergenerational transmission: Relational styles are transmitted over 3 generations. 1 person in 3 reproduces what they suffered.
2. Observational learning: Children record everything before age 7 — conflicts, affections, modes of communication. They reproduce what they saw.
3. Cultural influences: The media, cultural norms, societal models shape our relationship expectations.
4. Neurobiology: Traumas leave biological marks, but the brain can reprogram itself (neuroplasticity).
5. It is not a fatality: 2 people in 3 do NOT reproduce the patterns. Change is possible at any age.

How to break the cycle?

1. Become aware: Identify inherited patterns
2. Understand: Intellectually understand the mechanisms
3. Therapy: Therapy is the most effective tool (−60% toxic behaviours)
4. Healthy models: Expose yourself to healthy relationships
5. Daily practice: Change takes 3–5 years of constant work

Message of hope

You are not your story. You are not your childhood. You are not your parents. You are what you choose to become today. Science confirms it: change is possible, at any age.

The wisdoms have said it for millennia: lucidity is the first step toward freedom.

Next chapter: We will explore Narcissism: the real root — understanding what lies behind toxic behaviours, and how science and the ancient wisdoms converge to illuminate us.

Footnotes

1. Attachment theory and internal working models ↩

2. Early maladaptive schemas ↩ ↩²

3. Putting feelings into words ("affect labeling") soothes the amygdala ↩ ↩²

4. Mentalisation — understanding one's own and others' mental states ↩

5. Under stress, the prefrontal cortex loses control ↩

6. Al-Ghazâlî — diseases of the soul (pride, selfishness) ↩

7. Marcus Aurelius — the power to choose one's response ↩

8. Compassion-focused therapy (CFT) ↩

9. A habit takes about 66 days to form ↩