Control vs. trust

What is control?

Definition

Control in a relationship is a behavioural pattern in which one person seeks to dominate the other's decisions, actions, and even thoughts. Unlike healthy mutual influence in a couple, control is one-sided and coercive. It strips the other of their autonomy, one piece at a time.

Control can be physical (physically preventing someone from going out), verbal (threats, orders), or the most insidious, psychological (manipulation, progressive isolation). The last is often the hardest to recognise because it leaves no visible marks.

Control vs. healthy influence

In any relationship, partners influence each other. That is normal. But there is a fundamental difference between influence and control.

Healthy influence looks like:

• "I feel worried when you come home at 3am without warning. Could we text each other next time?"
• It is an expression of feeling
• It is a request, not a demand
• The person can refuse without consequences

Unhealthy control looks like:

• "If you don't text me, it means you don't respect me. You're selfish."
• It is an accusation
• It is a demand disguised as a request
• Refusal leads to consequences (guilt-tripping, crisis, silence)

What science says

Research on coercive control has revealed a staggering scale to this phenomenon.

In the United Kingdom as in Australia, coercive control is now recognised and prosecuted: thousands of offences are recorded each year. Even more telling: the great majority of people prosecuted for these offences are men.

In several countries, a high proportion of women report having experienced violence or emotional or economic abuse from an intimate partner — far more frequently than men.

In Canada, 117,093 victims of domestic violence were recorded in 2022 alone. And this figure has been rising constantly since 2011.

A 2025 study published in the British Medical Journal showed that social isolation increases the risk of domestic violence through two distinct mechanisms:

1. More isolated people are more vulnerable to abuse (fewer witnesses, less support)
2. Isolation helps oppressors maintain their grip (fewer accounts to give)

This same study found a strong correlation between social isolation and domestic violence during the COVID-19 lockdown — further proof that isolation is a formidable weapon.

The scale of control

Control exists on a continuum, from subtle to flagrant:

1. Excessive "interest" — Constant messages, frequent questions about your activities
2. Progressive isolation — Subtle criticism of your loved ones, "for your own good"
3. Control of movements — Demanding to know where you are, with whom, at all times
4. Financial control — You must ask permission for your spending
5. Total control — Your life is entirely managed by the other

Each stage restricts your freedom a little more. The last stage is prison. The first can seem harmless. That is the trap.

The forms of control

Control takes many forms. The more varied they are, the harder they are to detect.

Pathological jealousy

Not to be confused with: Occasional jealousy, normal in any relationship. A moment of insecurity, expressed calmly, is human.

Pathological jealousy is:

• Constant, ever-present
• Irrational (no objective cause)
• Invasive (control of your interactions)
• Accusatory (you are guilty until proven innocent)

Examples:

• "Why did you look at that waiter?"
• "I know you slept with him, I can feel it."
• "Show me your phone, I want to see your messages."

What science says

Studies suggest that less than 1% of the general population suffers from pathological jealousy — a higher figure in psychiatric populations. More alarming still: pathological jealousy very frequently co-occurs with other psychiatric disorders. It is a serious mental-health problem, not a "sign of love."

Social isolation

Isolation is often controllers' most effective tactic. Why? Because an isolated person is:

• Less likely to receive contradicting perspectives
• More dependent on their partner for emotional support
• More vulnerable to manipulation (no outside gaze to validate reality)

Examples of isolation tactics:

• "Your friends don't understand our love"
• "Your family doesn't want our happiness"
• "They're toxic, you should distance yourself"
• "We don't need anyone else, just the two of us"

The process is gradual. First, sow doubt. Then, demand less contact. Finally, demand complete isolation. Everything is done "for your own good."

What science says

Research published in 2025 identified social isolation as the "heart of domestic violence." The researchers found that:

• Isolation is a central mechanism of domestic violence
• Loneliness is a factor in victims' decision to stay in abusive relationships
• Isolation helps oppressors maintain control

Constant surveillance

In the digital age, surveillance has become easy and constant.

Forms of surveillance:

• Constant GPS location "for safety"
• Demanding immediate replies to messages
• Asking for passwords (email, social media, phone)
• Checking browsing history
• Detailed accounts of each day

What it really is: A violation of your privacy. Someone who trusts you has no need to surveil you.

Financial control

Money is power. Controllers know this.

Financial control tactics:

• Demanding accounts for every expense
• Giving you a weekly "allowance"
• Forbidding you to have your own bank account
• Controlling your access to money
• Running up debts in your name

Result: Financial dependence makes leaving the relationship extremely difficult.

Control of decisions

Controllers want to decide everything. Sometimes obviously (by ordering), often subtly (by manipulating).

Examples:

• "You shouldn't wear that, it doesn't suit you"
• "I'm the one who picks the restaurant, you always have bad taste"
• "You're not capable of making good decisions, lucky I'm here"
• "I'm telling you this for your own good"

Pattern: Your preferences are always "bad." Theirs are always "better." Over time, you stop even trying to decide.

The impact of control

On the victim

Control has devastating effects on mental and emotional health:

1. Loss of self-esteem

• "I no longer know what I want"
• "I'm no longer able to decide"
• "I'm nothing without them"

2. Constant anxiety

• Fear of doing "the wrong thing"
• Hypervigilance (anticipating reactions)
• A feeling of walking on eggshells

3. Isolation and loneliness

• Loss of the support network
• Shame (no one would understand)
• Increased emotional dependence

4. Confusion and doubt

• "Am I going crazy?"
• Inability to trust one's own perception
• Altered perception of reality

On the relationship

Control destroys the very foundation of the relationship:

1. Absence of trust

• Trust cannot exist with surveillance
• The controller does not trust
• The victim is not worthy of trust (in their eyes)

2. Altered communication

• The victim learns to silence their thoughts
• Real feelings are no longer expressed
• Communication becomes a minefield

3. Absent intimacy

• Intimacy requires vulnerability
• You cannot be vulnerable when you are controlled
• The relationship becomes a prison, not a refuge

Authentic trust

What is trust?

Trust in a healthy relationship is the calm certainty that the other person respects your autonomy, values your well-being, and will not seek to dominate you. It is knowing that you can be yourself, express your thoughts, and make your decisions without fear of reprisal.

Trust is not blind. It is built and maintained through consistent actions over time. But it presupposes one fundamental thing: respect for the other's freedom.

Characteristics of healthy trust

1. Transparency vs. surveillance

• Trust: "I tell you about my day because I want to share, not because I have to account for it"
• Control: "Where were you? Why didn't you reply right away?"

2. Curiosity vs. interrogation

• Trust: "How did your outing go? I want to hear what you experienced."
• Control: "Who exactly were you with? What time did you leave, what time did you get home?"

3. Support vs. possession

• Trust: "I encourage you to see your friends, it's important for you"
• Control: "Why do you always want to see them? You only think of yourself"

4. Safety vs. fear

• Trust: "I can tell you what I think without fearing your reaction"
• Control: "I'd better not say anything, it's going to blow up"

What science says: Gottman and trust

The research of Dr. John Gottman, a pioneer in the study of couples, identified trust as one of the fundamental pillars of lasting relationships.

Studies conducted by the Gottman Institute show that:

• Couples who practise the Gottman method are less likely to experience relationship distress
• 69% of relationship problems are unsolvable (according to Gottman)
• The key is not to "solve" everything, but to manage these differences with trust and respect

Most importantly, Gottman identified that excessive control seriously damages relationship health. Surveillance behaviours, constant jealousy, and restriction of autonomy erode trust and create a climate of insecurity.

Trust, according to Gottman, is built through:

• Mutual respect for differences
• Voluntary transparency (not demanded)
• Support for the other's aspirations
• Acceptance that the other has their own life, their own friends, their own interests

Trust in practice

What a person in a trusting relationship feels:

• "I can go out without asking permission"
• "I can have different opinions"
• "I can see my family without it creating a crisis"
• "I can be myself, even when I'm not perfect"
• "I know my partner wants my good, not my submission"

What trust is not:

• "I turn a blind eye to everything"
• "I have no right to question"
• "I accept the unacceptable"
• Trust is not naïvety
• Trust does not dispense with discernment

Comparison table — control vs. trust

Aspect	Control (Toxic)	Trust (Healthy)
Motivation	Fear of losing, insecurity	Desire for the other's good
Communication	Interrogation, accusations	Curiosity, listening
Decisions	One-sided (the decider)	Mutual (consultation)
Independence	Seen as a threat	Valued and encouraged
Friends/Family	Criticised, restricted	Integrated, respected
Personal space	Invaded, surveilled	Respected, protected
Disagreements	"You're wrong"	"We see this differently"
Mistakes	Fault, guilt	Opportunity to learn
Money	Power, control	Shared resource
Phone	Surveilled, checked	Private, respected
Outings	Justified, restricted	Free, encouraged
Time alone	Suspect, problematic	Healthy, necessary
Dominant feeling	Fear, anxiety	Safety, peace
Key question	"Where are you?"	"How are you?"

The signs you don't see

Control is often so gradual that it becomes invisible. Here are subtle signs:

You ask "permission"

Maybe not literally, but in your head:

• "I should check whether they'll be okay with it"
• "It will make them angry, better not do it"
• "I'll ask their opinion before deciding"

Key question: "Am I asking permission, or am I consulting?"

You modify your own behaviour

• You change what you wear "to avoid comments"
• You no longer see certain friends "because it creates tension"
• You stop expressing your opinions "so as not to upset them"
• You hide things "because it's not worth it"

Key question: "Am I adapting, or am I erasing myself?"

You justify everything

• You feel the need to constantly explain your choices
• You prepare "solid arguments" before asking for anything
• You anticipate objections and defuse them in advance
• You have prepared answers for the usual questions

Key question: "Am I communicating, or am I defending?"

You live in anticipation

• You wait for their reaction before relaxing
• You constantly check your phone
• You anticipate crises
• Your mood depends on theirs

Key question: "Am I living my life, or am I reacting to theirs?"

You feel guilty

• For going out, for seeing friends, for having hobbies
• For wanting time for yourself
• For having different opinions
• For being... yourself

Key question: "Am I guilty of something, or am I being made to feel guilty for being free?"

The lucidity test — control

Answer these questions honestly:

For the controlled person

1. Are you afraid of their reaction if you express a disagreement? Yes / No / Sometimes

2. Do you feel obliged to justify your movements? Always / Often / Sometimes / Rarely / Never

3. Have you lost contact with friends or family because of your relationship? Yes / No / Partly

4. Do you unconsciously check your phone to see if they've written? Yes / No

5. Do you feel the need to ask "permission" (even internally)? Often / Sometimes / Rarely / Never

6. Does your partner criticise your loved ones regularly? Yes / No / Sometimes

7. Do they demand your passwords or access to your private communications? Yes / No / Has tried

8. Do you feel progressively isolated? Yes / No / I don't know

9. Do you have the sense of walking on eggshells? Often / Sometimes / Rarely / Never

10. If you want to do something spontaneous, can you do it without consequences? No / Yes / With justifications

Interpretation:

• More than 3 "Yes" or negative answers = probable controlling relationship
• 1–3 "Yes" = vigilance needed, emerging pattern
• 0–1 "Yes" = probable healthy relationship

For the controlling person

1. Do you feel anxious when your partner goes out without you? Often / Sometimes / Rarely / Never

2. Do you need to know where they are at all times? Yes / No / Sometimes

3. Do you criticise their friends or family? Often / Sometimes / Rarely / Never

4. Do you have access to their private communications (phone, email)? Yes / No / I've asked

5. Do you want to know ALL of their activities and interactions? Yes / No / Most

6. Do you feel threatened by their independence? Often / Sometimes / Rarely / Never

7. Do they change their behaviour to spare you crises? Yes / No / Sometimes

8. Have you ever demanded that they break with friends? Yes / No / Strongly suggested

9. Do you control their finances or spending? Yes / Partly / No

10. If you don't hear from them for a few hours, do you panic? Yes / No / Sometimes

Interpretation:

• More than 3 "Yes" = significant controlling behaviour
• 1–3 "Yes" = controlling tendencies to watch
• 0–1 "Yes" = probable healthy behaviour

Paths out and toward healing

If you are controlled

1. Recognise the reality

• Control is not love. It is domination.
• You are not responsible for the other's behaviour.
• You deserve freedom and respect.

2. Restore connections

• Gradually reach out to the loved ones you've been isolated from.
• Explain without accusing: "I've realised I'd isolated myself"
• Seek outside support (friends, family, therapist)

3. Set boundaries

• Start with small boundaries:
• "I need to see friend X this month"
• "I'm not going to reply to every message right away"
• "I keep my phone private"
• Be ready for negative reactions. That is normal.

4. Consult a professional

• A therapist can help you to:
• Rebuild your self-esteem
• Clarify your perception of reality
• Prepare an exit plan if necessary
• Helplines can offer immediate advice.

5. Prepare the exit (if necessary)

• Document incidents of control
• Secure your finances if possible
• Build a support network
• Consult specialised resources

What science says

Research shows that social support is a critical factor in the ability to leave an abusive relationship. People who have maintained or restored outside connections are significantly more likely to leave and not return.

If you are controlling

1. Recognise the problem

• The first step is the hardest: admitting that you control.
• Understanding that your behaviour is not "love," it is domination.
• Recognising that you are hurting the person you claim to love.

2. Understand the roots

• Control often comes from:
• Deep insecurity
• Fear of abandonment
• Past trauma
• Family models
• Understanding doesn't excuse, but it helps you change.

3. Engage in therapy

• Control has deep roots.
• A professional can help you to:
• Explore the origins of your behaviour
• Develop strategies to manage anxiety
• Learn healthy relational modes
• Therapy is not optional, it is essential.

4. Practise letting go

• Exercise: when you feel the urge to control:
• Identify the underlying emotion (fear? jealousy? anxiety?)
• Express that emotion instead of controlling: "I feel anxious when you go out"
• Leave your partner free to respond to you or not

5. Accept reality

• Your partner has the right to:
• Have friends
• Have different opinions
• Go out without you
• Have a private life
• If you cannot accept this, the relationship is not viable.

6. Responsibility

• Take total responsibility for your actions.
• Don't blame your partner: "You push me over the edge"
• Don't minimise: "It wasn't a big deal"
• Change actively, not just promise.

What science says

Studies on behaviour change in abusive relationships show that:

• Recognising the problem is the first critical step
• Specialised therapy significantly increases the chances of change
• People who recognise and actively work on their behaviour can change
• Change takes time and demands constant commitment

Convergence of the Wisdoms

Al-Ghazâlî: the deficiencies of Wisdom and Courage

According to Al-Ghazâlî, control in relationships reflects two deficiencies of the cardinal virtues:

1. Deficiency of Wisdom

• The controlling person does not see reality: they believe their behaviour is "love"
• They are blind to the truth: control destroys love, it does not protect it
• They do not understand that another's freedom is sacred

Healing according to Al-Ghazâlî:

• Acquire knowledge: understand what a healthy relationship is
• Develop lucidity: see one's own behaviour honestly
• Practise introspection: question one's real motivations

2. Deficiency of Courage

• The controlling person is in reality fearful: fear of abandonment, of losing, of not being "enough"
• Control is a reaction to that fear, not proof of strength
• True courage is trusting despite one's fear.

Healing according to Al-Ghazâlî:

• Endure the bitterness of the treatment (face one's fear)
• Raise the threshold gradually: learn to let go little by little
• Develop self-confidence so as not to need to control the other

Modern illumination

Modern psychology joins Al-Ghazâlî here: control is often a reaction to anxiety and insecurity — precisely what he described as a lack of inner courage.

Carl Jung: the Shadow and projection

The Controller's Shadow

• Jung would say that the controlling person projects their own insecurities onto the other
• What they control "out there" reflects what they cannot control "in here" (their own fear, their own emptiness)
• The more they try to control the other, the more they flee their own shadow

The Controller's Persona

• The controlling person often wears a mask of "strength," of "protection," of "love"
• But this persona hides a different truth: unacknowledged vulnerability, unadmitted fear
• Jungian work would consist in reintegrating this shadow: recognising "I am frightened, not strong"

Modern illumination

Contemporary research on personality disorders (notably narcissism and traits associated with control) confirms that these behaviours often mask a profound internal fragility — precisely what Jung would have identified as unfinished shadow work.

Stoic philosophy: what depends on us

Illegitimate control

• The Stoics teach: one thing is to control one's own thoughts and actions; quite another is to seek to control those of others
• Epictetus would say: "You cannot control what your partner does, thinks, or says. You can only control your own reaction."
• The controller battles reality itself — a lost cause from the start

Stoic trust

• Healthy trust resembles Stoic ataraxia (tranquillity of mind): accepting that the other is free, without that threatening our own peace
• Tranquillity comes not from controlling the other, but from mastering one's own mind
• Marcus Aurelius would probably write: "Love without freedom is not love, it is possession. True connection needs neither chains nor guards."

Modern illumination

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and other contemporary approaches integrate exactly this Stoic principle: mental peace comes from accepting what one cannot control (including others' behaviour) and committing to act on what one can control (one's own reactions).

Kant: the categorical imperative applied to relationships

Control as a violation of dignity

• Kant would say that seeking to control a person is treating them as a means, not as an end
• The controller instrumentalises the other for their own emotional needs (security, reassurance, power)
• This violates the inherent dignity of each person: the right to moral autonomy

Trust as respect for dignity

• Authentic trust treats the other as an end in themselves: a free and responsible person
• It respects the other's right to make their own choices, even mistakes
• It recognises that the other is not an extension of oneself, but a distinct moral being

Modern illumination

Contemporary ethical principles of "informed consent" and "personal autonomy" in relationships directly reflect Kant's categorical imperative: each person has the inalienable right to be treated as an end, never as a means.

Practical exercises

Exercise 1: the freedom journal (7 days)

Goal: Become aware of your lost freedom and restore it gradually.

Instructions: Every day for 7 days, answer these questions in a private journal:

1. Today, did I do something without having to "ask" or "justify"?

• If yes, what? How did I feel?
• If no, what stopped me?

2. Did I modify my behaviour to avoid a negative reaction?

• If yes, what? How could I do differently?

3. What small freedom could I reclaim tomorrow?

• Example: send a message to a friend, go out alone, express an opinion

After 7 days: Reread your answers. Identify the patterns. Choose ONE concrete action to reclaim a freedom this week.

Exercise 2: the reality test

Goal: Check whether your perception is altered by control.

Instructions:

1. Choose a trusted person (friend, family member).
2. Ask them: "Do you think I've changed since I've been in this relationship? In what way?"
3. Listen without defending. Take notes.

Follow-up questions:

• "Do I have less contact with my loved ones than before?"
• "Do I often ask your opinion/permission before doing things?"
• "Do I seem different to you?"

Caution: If you are afraid to do this exercise, that is a significant signal in itself.

Exercise 3: "I" communication against control

Goal: Learn to express your needs without controlling.

For controlled people:

• Instead of saying: "You never let me go out"
• Say: "I feel sad when I can't see my friends. I need connection with them."

For controlling people:

• Instead of saying: "Where were you? Why didn't you reply?"
• Say: "I feel anxious when I don't hear from you. I need reassurance."

The difference: The first expression (accusation) controls. The second (vulnerability) communicates a need.

Practice: Note 3 recent situations where you used the language of control. Rewrite them using "I" language.

Exercise 4: the circle of trust

Goal: Restore the connections broken by isolation.

Instructions:

1. List all the people you've lost contact with since the start of your relationship.

2. Sort them into three categories:

• [RED] People your partner has explicitly criticised or rejected
• [YELLOW] People you've progressively lost contact with (no clear reason)
• [GREEN] People you've simply neglected (daily life)

3. Choose ONE person from the [RED] or [YELLOW] list.

4. Contact that person:

• "I realise I've isolated myself lately. I'd like to hear how you are."
• No need to explain everything. Just re-establish contact.

5. Repeat gradually, one person at a time.

Important note: If your partner reacts violently against these contacts, it is a major red flag.

Summary of key points

What you need to remember

Control is not love

• Control comes from fear, not love
• It destroys the very foundation of the relationship
• It creates a prison, not a refuge

Trust is the foundation

• Authentic trust respects freedom
• It requires no surveillance
• It is built on mutual respect

The signs are invisible at first

• Control is gradual, insidious
• It starts with "little things"
• Before you realise it, you are trapped

Change is possible

• For victims: restore connections, set boundaries, rebuild self-esteem
• For oppressors: recognise, engage in therapy, practise letting go
• Both paths demand courage and work

Science joins what wisdom already knew

• Modern research joins what the philosophers knew: control destroys, trust builds
• Studies show the epidemic scale of coercive control
• Therapy and social support are key factors in healing

The message of hope

Control can seem invincible. It can seem you will never escape its grip. But that is false.

Thousands of people before you have broken the chains of control. They have:

• Restored lost friendships
• Regained their autonomy
• Rebuilt their self-esteem
• Built relationships based on trust, not domination

You can do it too.

The first step is recognition. The second is courage. The third is action.

The path is not easy. But it is possible.

And the freedom on the other side? It is worth it.

Sources for this chapter — gathered on the References & Sources page: research on coercive control and isolation, and the wisdoms (Al-Ghazâlî, Jung, the Stoics, Kant).