Compatibility tests before commitment

"Caution is the virtue of kings: before undertaking an enterprise, one must measure one's strength and weigh the obstacles."

— Epictetus, Discourses, Book II

Why compatibility tests are essential

We live in a culture that glorifies love at first sight and fast love stories. "Right away," "immediately," "now" — these words dominate contemporary romantic discourse.

But here is the hard reality: attraction is not compatibility.

Attraction is chemical. It is that force of pull toward someone. Compatibility? It is the capacity to build a life together without destroying each other.

What science says

John Gottman's research — one of the most cited researchers on couples — suggests he can predict with more than 90% accuracy whether a couple will divorce, simply by observing certain compatibility factors.

His decades of research in his "Love Lab" identified reliable predictors of relationship success:

1. The 5-to-1 ratio — Stable couples have 5 positive interactions for every negative interaction during conflicts
2. Constructive conflict management — The capacity to argue without destroying each other
3. Bids for connection — How partners respond to small attempts at connection
4. Trust — The first and most important predictor of long-term success

The figures that hurt

A survey on relationships found that:

• Many respondents identify lack of trust/honesty as an absolute deal-breaker
• Incompatible values are the leading cause of breakups after 6–12 months
• Most divorced couples recognise: "The signs were there, we just avoided seeing them"

The testing period: why 3–6 months?

Research on relationship development identifies a critical timeline:

• 3 months: The initial infatuation begins to fade, reality emerges
• 6 months: You should be able to predict your partner's emotional responses
• 9+ months: Long-term compatibility assessment becomes possible

If after 6 months you cannot anticipate how your partner will react to stress, to conflict, or to good news... it is not yet a serious relationship.

The 10 crucial questions to ask before committing

These questions are not an interrogation. They are a necessary conversation to know whether you are building on sand or on rock.

Questions about core values

1. "What does honesty mean to you? Could you give an example where you had to choose between telling the truth and protecting someone?"

Why it matters: Research shows that honesty is the most cited deal-breaker. But careful — everyone says "I'm honest." What they do is different.

• Green flag: They can give a concrete example where they chose honesty even when it was hard.
• Red flag: "I never lie, except when necessary" or defensive reactions.

2. "How did you handle conflict in your past relationships? What did you learn from your mistakes?"

Why it matters: The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. People change, but conflict-management patterns are deeply ingrained.

What science says: Gottman's research shows that how a couple manages conflict is the main predictor of success or failure.

• Green flag: They can admit mistakes, show empathy toward their exes, explain what they learned.
• Red flag: "My exes were crazy," "I made no mistakes," constant blame.

3. "What does money mean to you? How do you spend? Do you save? What are your financial priorities?"

Why it matters: Financial disputes are one of the leading causes of divorce. Money is not just numbers — it is values.

• Green flag: Compatible financial values, transparency, willingness to discuss and compromise.
• Red flag: Secrecy about finances, lies about spending, excessive financial control.

4. "Do you want children? If so, how do you want to raise them? What is your vision of parenting?"

Why it matters: This is non-negotiable. You cannot compromise on "having or not having children." That is a recipe for resentment.

• Green flag: Clear, consistent vision, compatible with yours.
• Red flag: "I don't know," "We'll see later," avoidance of the topic.

5. "How do you handle stress? What are your coping strategies? What do you need when you're not doing well?"

Why it matters: Life is stressful. You will lose jobs, loved ones, go through crises. How your partner handles stress in the hard times matters more than how they are in the good times.

• Green flag: Healthy coping strategies, communicating needs, self-awareness.
• Red flag: Depression, anger, withdrawal, substances, "I handle it on my own."

Questions about the relational

6. "How are your relationships with your family? Your friends? Do you see your loved ones often?"

Why it matters: People who have good relationships with their family and friends tend to have better couple relationships. Conversely, social isolation is a red flag.

• Green flag: Healthy relationships with family/friends, a stable support network.
• Red flag: "My family is crazy," "I don't have friends," social isolation, discouraging you from seeing your loved ones.

7. "What does respect mean to you? Could you give an example of something you consider disrespectful?"

Why it matters: Everyone says "respect is important." But each person has a different definition. You need to know whether your definitions are compatible.

What science says: Gottman's research identifies contempt as the main predictor of divorce.

• Green flag: Clear definition, concrete examples, consistency between words and actions.
• Red flag: Vague definition, "I'll know it when I see it," disrespectful behaviours within the very conversation.

8. "How do you express love? What do you need to feel loved?"

Why it matters: People have different love languages. If your partner expresses love through acts of service and you need words of affirmation... you can give love without ever feeling loved.

• Green flag: Self-awareness, clear expression of needs, willingness to learn your languages.
• Red flag: "I don't know," "If you really love me, you should know," withdrawal when you express your needs.

9. "What are your political, spiritual, or philosophical values? How do they shape your life?"

Why it matters: Core values — politics, religion, spirituality — are not just opinions. They are lenses through which your partner sees the world.

What science says: 2024 research shows that shared values matter more than common interests for long-term success.

• Green flag: Compatible values, respect for differences, consistency.
• Red flag: Exacerbation of differences, attempts to "convert" you, judgement.

10. "What does freedom mean to you? What do you need to feel free in a relationship?"

Why it matters: This is the ultimate compatibility question. If their definition of freedom is "I do whatever I want" and yours is "I can be myself without fear"... you have a problem.

• Green flag: Healthy balance between intimacy and autonomy, respect for mutual independence.
• Red flag: Control, possessiveness, jealousy, "you shouldn't do that without me."

The observations to make

Words can lie. Actions, less so.

Key behavioural observations

1. How they treat waiters, waitresses, service staff

What it reveals: People who treat badly those they see as "beneath them" will sooner or later turn that behaviour on you.

What science says: Research on narcissism shows that lack of empathy toward strangers predicts lack of empathy toward the partner.

2. How they handle disappointment or rejection

What it reveals: When a restaurant is full, when a plan falls through, when you say "no" to a proposal... how do they react?

• Green flag: Disappointment but resilience, respect for your "no."
• Red flag: Explosive anger, sulking, manipulation, guilt-tripping.

3. How they talk about their exes

What it reveals: If all their exes are "crazy," "toxic"... you will be next.

• Green flag: Personal accountability, empathy, growth from failures.
• Red flag: Constant blame, "I made no mistakes," victimhood.

4. Their relationship with alcohol and substances

What it reveals: Alcohol or substance use can reveal deep patterns.

• Green flag: Moderate use, control, consistency between words and actions.
• Red flag: Loss of control, personality changes, memory gaps, verbal/physical violence under the influence.

5. Their reactions when you express a need or a boundary

What it reveals: This is the ultimate test. Say: "I need..." or "I'm not comfortable with..."

• Green flag: Listening, validation, respect for your boundary, even in disagreement.
• Red flag: Defensiveness, minimising, "you're too sensitive," pressure, manipulation.

Deal-breakers

Research on deal-breakers

A major 2024 study published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology explored how deal-breakers function in partner choice.

Their finding? Negative traits have a stronger impact on choice than positive traits of similar magnitude. In other words: a deal-breaker eliminates more surely than a quality seduces.

Universal deal-breakers

Absolute deal-breakers

1. Lack of honesty or integrity

• Lies (even "small" ones)
• Secrecy about finances, the past, relationships
• Inconsistency between words and actions

2. Inability to handle conflict

• Explosive anger
• Refusal to apologise
• Manipulation, gaslighting
• Contempt, belittling

3. Incompatible core values

• Children (yes/no)
• Religion/spirituality
• Extreme and conflictual political orientation

4. Controlling behaviours

• Pathological jealousy
• Social isolation
• Control of finances, movements, communications

5. Lack of empathy or respect

• Constant criticism
• Indifference to your feelings
• Chronic selfishness

6. Untreated addictions

• Alcohol, drugs, gambling
• Emotional dependence
• Compulsive behaviours

7. Violence (physical, verbal, emotional, sexual)

• This is an absolute deal-breaker.
• Once is already too much.

How to spot a narcissistic person on early dates

Research on early detection of narcissism

2023–2024 research identified early signs of narcissism in relationships.

A study published in Personality and Individual Differences (2023) found that vulnerable narcissism significantly predicts inauthentic self-presentation in online dating.

Narcissism is the subject of a full chapter (chapter 10). Here, only spot the early warning signs, without trying to "diagnose."

The 9 signs of a narcissistic person

1. Intense love bombing (see Chapter 3) — Early declarations of love, "You're different from everyone else," excessive compliments

2. Sudden and intense interest... that can switch off just as fast — You're the "soulmate" one week, "too demanding" the next

3. Conversations centred on them — They constantly talk about themselves, little genuine interest in you, you feel like an audience

4. Visible lack of empathy — Minimising your feelings, "You're too sensitive," inability to put themselves in your shoes

5. Constant need for admiration — Fishing for compliments, disproportionate reactions to criticism, exaggerating accomplishments

6. Entitlement — "I deserve...," unrealistic expectations, the rules don't apply to them

7. Idealisation–devaluation patterns (see Chapter 1) — One day you're perfect, the next disappointing

8. Disproportionate reactions to boundaries — When you say "no," they get angry, manipulate you into changing your mind

9. Words–actions inconsistency — Broken promises, stories that change, "I never said that" (gaslighting)

The ultimate test

After 3–6 months, if you feel confused, exhausted, as if you're "walking on eggshells"... listen to your intuition.

Research shows that:

• Narcissists are over-represented in dating pools
• Empathic people are particularly vulnerable to narcissists
• The signs are often visible within the first 3 months

Comparison table — healthy vs. toxic compatibility

Aspect	Healthy compatibility	Incompatibility/Toxic
Values	Aligned core values	Contradictory values on major subjects
Conflict	Constructive management, respect, resolution	Explosions, blame, avoidance, resentment
Honesty	Transparency, words–actions consistency	Secrets, lies, inconsistencies
Children	Clear and compatible vision	Disagreement, avoidance of the topic
Money	Compatible financial values	Secrets, control, deep disagreement
Family/Friends	Healthy relationships, support network	Isolation, "my family is crazy," no friends
Respect	Always respectful, even in disagreement	Criticism, contempt, belittling
Boundaries	Respects your boundaries	Tests, pushes, ignores your boundaries
Communication	Listening, validation, openness	Manipulation, gaslighting, defensiveness
Intuition	You feel calm, safe	Unease, confusion, "walking on eggshells"

Convergence of the Wisdoms

The three philosophical traditions we explore in this work — Stoicism, Al-Ghazâlî's thought, and Jungian psychology — offer us complementary lenses for assessing compatibility before commitment.

Visual markers

Al-Ghazâlî: the wisdom of knowing over time

Al-Ghazâlî (1058–1111), Persian theologian and mystic, taught that Wisdom — the first of the four cardinal virtues — is not only intellectual. It is experiential.

To know someone, you must:

1. Observe them over time — Patterns reveal themselves with duration
2. Observe them in difficulty — Character reveals itself in adversity
3. Observe consistency — Words and actions aligned

Modern illumination: Gottman's research confirms that observation over several months is essential to assess real compatibility.

→ See the full diagram: Al-Ghazâlî's tree — the faculties of the heart and their virtues.

Jung: the persona vs. the individual

Carl Gustav Jung (1875–1961), Swiss psychiatrist and founder of analytical psychology, taught that we all wear a social mask — the persona — to impress others. But the real individual reveals itself over time.

Compatibility tests? They are seeing beyond the persona to the individual.

Modern illumination: Research on narcissism confirms that inauthentic personalities often reveal themselves after a few months, when the persona begins to slip.

→ See the full diagram: The Explorer of the Mind (Carl Jung) — Self, Ego, Shadow, Persona…

Stoicism: prudence as a virtue

The Stoic philosophers taught that prudence — knowing when to commit — is a virtue, not a flaw.

Committing without knowing is not courage. It is recklessness.

Integration point

The three perspectives converge on a single truth: taking the time to know before committing is wisdom, not weakness.

• Al-Ghazâlî was right: knowing over time reveals character
• Jung was right: the persona drops over time, revealing the real individual
• The Stoics were right: prudence before commitment is a virtue

Modern illumination: Research on deal-breakers shows that people who take the time to assess compatibility have much higher long-term satisfaction rates.

Practical exercises

Exercise 1: the 10 questions over 2 weeks

Scientific basis: Research shows that conversations about core values predict compatibility better than conversations about superficial interests.

Instructions: Each week for 2 weeks, ask 5 of the 10 crucial questions:

• Week 1: Questions 1–5 (Core values)
• Week 2: Questions 6–10 (Relational)

For each question:

1. Ask it in a calm moment (not during a conflict)
2. Listen to the answer — really listen
3. Ask follow-up questions: "Can you give me an example?"
4. Observe: Do actions match words?
5. Note your intuitive feeling after each conversation

Exercise 2: the observation journal (3–6 months)

Scientific basis: Research shows that observation over 3–6 months is the optimal period to assess real compatibility.

Instructions: Over 3–6 months, keep a weekly journal noting:

1. Behavioural observations — How did they treat others? Handle stress? React to your boundaries?
2. Words–actions consistency — What they say vs. what they do
3. How you feel — How do you feel most of the time?
4. Emerging patterns — Which behaviours repeat?

Exercise 3: pre-commitment checklist

Before you commit (moving in together, engagement, serious commitment), answer this checklist:

Pre-commitment checklist

Core Values:

• Our values on honesty are compatible
• Our visions on children are aligned
• Our political/spiritual values are compatible
• Our financial priorities are consistent

Conflict Management:

• We can argue without destroying each other
• They can apologise sincerely
• They respect my boundaries
• We resolve our problems, we don't avoid them

Observed Behaviours:

• They treat others with respect
• They handle stress healthily
• They talk about their exes with accountability
• They have healthy relationships with family/friends

My Intuition:

• I feel calm and safe most of the time
• I don't need to "walk on eggshells"
• I can be myself without fear
• I feel respected and valued

Deal-breakers (none should be present):

• Lies or secrets
• Controlling behaviours
• Lack of respect or constant criticism
• Violence (physical, verbal, emotional)
• Untreated addictions

Exercise 4: trust consultation

Scientific basis: Research shows that outside people often perceive the signals of incompatibility that the people involved miss because of "hope bias"

Instructions:

1. Identify 2–3 trusted people (friends, family, colleagues)
2. Ask: "I need your honest perspective on my relationship"
3. Present facts, not your hopes
4. Ask these questions:

• "Do I seem happy with this person?"
• "Have you noticed behaviours that worry you?"
• "What do you observe that I might not see?"
• "If it were your brother/sister in this relationship, what would you think?"

Golden rule: Listen without defending. Simply note what they say.

If several people express the same concerns... listen to them. Your love makes you blind. They see clearly.

Summary of key points

Essential points to remember

Compatibility tests are not a luxury — they are a necessity.

• Gottman's research shows he can predict divorce with more than 90% accuracy by observing certain compatibility factors
• Most divorced couples recognise: "The signs were there, we just avoided seeing them"
• The 3–6 month period is critical to assess real compatibility

The 10 crucial questions reveal the compatibility of values.

• Honesty is the most cited deal-breaker
• Shared values matter more than common interests
• How conflict is handled is the main predictor of success or failure

Behavioural observations are more revealing than words.

• Actions reveal character more than words
• Patterns repeat — the past predicts the future
• Deal-breakers have a stronger impact than positive qualities

The wisdom of the ages meets modern science.

• Al-Ghazâlî was right: knowing over time reveals character
• Jung was right: the persona drops over time, revealing the real individual
• The Stoics were right: prudence before commitment is a virtue

And you?

• You have the right to take your time before committing
• You are not "too demanding" — you are lucid
• You deserve a relationship based on real compatibility, not illusion

Now that you know how to test compatibility, the next chapter explores the patterns of toxic seduction that can trap even the most lucid people.