Women worn out by competition

Introduction: the triple contemporary pressure on women

We live in a paradoxical time for women. Never have they had so many opportunities, so much freedom and possibility, yet never have they been subjected to so many contradictory pressures. This chapter explores how contemporary society creates a toxic environment that exhausts women and makes them vulnerable to unhealthy relationships — either as victims of exploitation, or as actors of toxic behaviour born of exhaustion.

Why this matters:

Understanding the contemporary pressures on women is not an excuse for toxic behaviour — it is necessary in order to understand why some women become manipulative or oppressive, and how others can protect themselves from these dynamics. Modern society has created invisible traps that we must deconstruct.

This chapter will explore:

• The idealisation of the body and unrealistic aesthetic pressure
• Constant comparison through social media
• Competition between women: beauty, career, motherhood
• The hypersexualisation of consumer society
• The exhaustion of having to "be everything": career, mother, wife, beautiful, fit
• How this pressure creates relational vulnerabilities

What we observe

Research in social psychology, gender sociology, and mental health reveals a worrying contemporary crisis among women.

Worrying signals

Women's mental health:

• Depression affects women roughly twice as often as men — a gap long documented by global epidemiology.
• A large share of women report a high level of stress linked to the contradictory social expectations they take on simultaneously.
• Perfectionism is more frequently reported by women in the workplace, in connection with the pressure to "do everything well".

Pressures linked to body image:

• The majority of women report dissatisfaction with their bodies.
• Intensive use of social media (Instagram in particular) is associated with greater body dissatisfaction.
• Comparison with retouched images is almost systematic there, and feeds the sense of never "being enough".

Perfectionism and the triple burden:

• Perfectionism is more marked in mothers going through postpartum depression.
• Many women feel they are "failing" both at home and at work — a feeling less often reported by men.
• Perfectionism has increased from one generation to the next, particularly among young women (a trend observed in longitudinal student surveys).

Female competition:

Some evolutionary-psychology research suggests that women are just as competitive as men, but that their competition is expressed differently (a contested lens among others — see the methodological note):

• Women are just as competitive as men when incentives include factors that matter to them
• Female competition often shows up as self-monitoring, social comparison, and relational aggression (for example, Campbell, 1999)
• Competitive scenarios increase competition among women

The scale of the phenomenon

• Many women suffer from oppressive perfectionism
• The majority of them compare themselves unfavourably to others on social media
• Many women feel unable to meet all the social expectations placed on them
• Reversible? Yes: reducing exposure to social media improves body image within a few weeks

The mechanism of the "triple burden":

Research in gender sociology identifies a phenomenon known as the "triple burden" or "double day" — women must excel in their career, be perfect mothers, AND maintain unrealistic beauty standards. This load creates a chronic exhaustion that leads to compensatory behaviours (control, manipulation, cynicism).

Visualising the contemporary pressure

Modern society traps women in a self-reinforcing cycle of competition and exhaustion.

What this diagram reveals:

Social pressure creates an identity vacuum that women try to fill with toxic behaviours (extreme perfectionism, control, manipulation, criticism of others). These behaviours only reinforce the initial pressure, creating a vicious circle.

What we observe:

Women caught in this cycle report a markedly higher rate of professional exhaustion and a lower level of relationship satisfaction than those who have stepped out of it.

The contradictory demands of contemporary femininity:

Demand 1: Career vs Family

• "Career woman": 50 hours/week, ambitious
• "Present mother": devote all your time to your children

Demand 2: Beauty vs Authenticity

• "Beautiful and slim": perfect body, makeup, fashion
• "Natural": don't be superficial

Demand 3: Strength vs Vulnerability

• "Strong and independent": manage everything alone, need no one
• "Vulnerable": express your feelings, let yourself go

Demand 4: Sexuality vs Modesty

• "Desirable": sexually confident, draws the eye
• "Modest": don't be "easy", control yourself

The mathematical impossibility:

These demands create a double bind — whatever she chooses, the woman will be criticised. If she works a lot, she is a "bad mother". If she devotes time to her children, she "has no ambition". If she takes care of her appearance, she is "superficial". If she is natural, she "doesn't take care of herself".

What we observe:

Women who try to meet all these demands have a markedly higher burnout rate than those who consciously reject some of them.

The triple burden of the contemporary woman:

Three pillars of pressure reinforce one another:

• Pillar 1 (Body): unrealistic aesthetic pressure, hypersexualisation, constant comparison
• Pillar 2 (Work): excel at work, domestic mental load, perfect motherhood
• Pillar 3 (Competition): comparison over beauty, career, motherhood

At the centre of these three pillars sits identity exhaustion — the woman no longer knows who she really is, because she is trying to meet contradictory demands that pull her away from her own values and desires.

What we observe:

Women who feel this triple burden have:

• A heightened risk of depression
• A heightened risk of manipulative behaviour in relationships
• A higher risk of divorce within 10 years

Female competition: understanding the mechanisms

How women compete

A framework often invoked — evolutionary psychology — proposes that women would be just as competitive as men, but through different routes. Where male rivalry would pass more through dominance and status, female rivalry would take more indirect forms. This is a contested lens, to be handled with care (see the methodological note).

What this framework claims:

According to this reading, women would historically have competed for:

• Reproductive resources (quality partners, stability for children)
• Social status (reputation, respect, alliances)
• Aesthetics (beauty, youth, health — traits this framework associates with fertility)

Today, these hypothetical mechanisms would be expressed differently:

• Aesthetic competition: Instagram, filters, cosmetic surgery, dieting
• Professional competition: who has the better career, the better salary
• Maternal competition: who is the "best mother", who has the most successful children
• Marital competition: who has the "best" partner

The signs of toxic female competition

Signs that you are in toxic competition:

1. Constant comparison: you systematically compare yourself to other women
2. Aesthetic jealousy: you feel threatened by the beauty of other women
3. Criticism of other women: you harshly judge women who "don't do enough"
4. Need for validation: you need others to see you as "perfect"
5. Relational cynicism: you use men for validation or status

Signs that you are a victim of female competition:

1. Disguised criticism: another woman criticises you "for your own good"
2. Social exclusion: you are excluded from women's groups without explanation
3. Rumours and gossip: other women spread rumours about you
4. Triangulation: a woman manipulates your circle against you
5. Appropriation: a woman copies your style or your accomplishments

Toxic relational patterns in women

Pattern 1: the "perfect" woman who controls everything

Profile:

This woman seems to have figured it all out — career, children, beauty, relationship. She is admired, enviable, exemplary. But behind the appearances, she is exhausted, anxious, and controls everything she can to maintain this illusion of perfection.

Toxic behaviours:

• Extreme perfectionism: demands perfection of herself and others
• Constant criticism: criticises others who "don't do enough"
• Relational control: controls her partner, her children, her image
• Invalidation of others: devalues women who "can't manage to do everything"

Psychological roots:

• Fear of failure
• Need for external validation
• Chronic anxiety
• Identification with the image of perfection

Possible transformation:

• Recognise that perfection is impossible
• Accept your own limits
• Develop self-compassion
• Appreciate others for who they are, not for what they accomplish

Pattern 2: the exhausted woman who becomes manipulative

Profile:

This woman is worn out by the triple load (work, children, home). She feels injustice, anger, resentment. Without being aware of it, she develops manipulative behaviours to get help.

Toxic behaviours:

• Emotional blackmail: "If you loved me, you'd help me more"
• Chronic victimhood: "I do everything, no one helps me"
• Disguised demands: asks for help in a manipulative way
• Guilt-tripping: makes others feel guilty for not doing enough

Psychological roots:

• Chronic exhaustion
• Sense of injustice
• Lack of recognition
• Accumulated resentment

Possible transformation:

• Communicate your needs clearly
• Acknowledge your exhaustion
• Ask for help directly
• Let go of perfectionism

Pattern 3: the woman who competes over beauty

Profile:

This woman bases her self-esteem on her appearance. She spends hours getting ready, spends considerable sums on beauty products, surgery, clothes. She constantly compares herself to other women.

Toxic behaviours:

• Aesthetic criticism: criticises the appearance of other women
• Constant jealousy: feels threatened by the beauty of others
• Validation through the male gaze: seeks the approval of men
• Devaluation of "less beautiful" women: a hierarchy based on appearance

Psychological roots:

• Deep insecurity
• Identification with body image
• Need for external validation
• Internalisation of unrealistic beauty standards

Possible transformation:

• Develop a self-esteem based on other values
• Recognise the diversity of beauty
• Stop the constant comparison
• Appreciate other women beyond appearance

How to step out of female competition

Step 1: become aware of the patterns

Reflection questions:

1. In which areas do you compare yourself to other women?

• Appearance? Career? Motherhood? Relationship? Social media?

2. What emotions do you feel when you see a woman who "succeeds" in these areas?

• Jealousy? Admiration? Inspiration? Resentment?

3. What behaviours do you adopt when you feel in competition?

• Criticism? Avoidance? Copying? Minimising?

4. Do these behaviours truly serve you? Or do they exhaust you?

Step 2: understand the roots of competition

Exercise: identify your internal demands

Take a moment and note:

• What messages have you received about what a woman "should" be?
• What standards have you set for yourself?
• What are your fears if you don't meet these standards?

Examples:

• "A good mother must be available 24/7"
• "A successful woman must have a flourishing career"
• "A beautiful woman is a successful woman"

Step 3: consciously choose your values

Exercise: define your own criteria of success

Instead of following social standards, define your own:

• What is truly important to YOU?
• What are your core values?
• What does a satisfying life look like for YOU (not for Instagram)?

Example:

Instead of: "I must be a perfect mother, an exemplary career woman, and an irresistible woman"

Try: "I want to be a loving mother, a competent professional, and a fulfilled woman — even if I am not perfect"

Step 4: practise self-compassion

What research says:

Studies show that self-compassion (treating yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend) is a powerful antidote to perfectionism and competition.

Exercise: daily self-compassion

When you notice that you are criticising or comparing yourself:

1. Stop and acknowledge: "I am comparing myself"
2. Validate your emotion: "It's normal to feel inadequate sometimes"
3. Remember your humanity: "All women feel this sometimes"
4. Offer yourself compassion: "I am doing my best, and that is enough"

Step 5: cultivate authentic sisterhood

Instead of competition, choose connection:

• Support other women: celebrate their successes, even when you feel jealous
• Be vulnerable: share your struggles, not only your victories
• Stop comparison: each woman has a unique path
• Practise gratitude: appreciate what you have, not what you lack

What we observe:

Women who have authentic female friendships (based on support, not competition) have:

• A lower risk of depression
• A lower risk of burnout
• Higher relationship satisfaction

Convergence of Wisdoms

Al-Ghazâlî: the virtues against toxic competition

Deficiencies of the virtues:

• Lack of Wisdom: not seeing that perfection is impossible, that social standards are unrealistic
• Lack of Courage: not daring to be oneself, fearing judgement
• Lack of Continence: letting oneself be carried away by jealousy, criticism, comparison
• Lack of Justice: judging oneself harshly while judging others, lacking balance

The path of healing according to Al-Ghazâlî:

1. Make the diagnosis: recognise that competition is a deficiency of the virtues
2. Apply the opposite: practise gratitude, acceptance, compassion
3. Endure the bitterness: accept that stepping out of competition is difficult at first
4. Increase gradually: begin with small acts of compassion toward yourself and others

Concrete example:

Instead of: "I must be more beautiful than her to have worth"

Al-Ghazâlî's wisdom: "My worth does not depend on my comparison to others, but on my pursuit of balance and justice toward myself"

Jung: the feminine Shadow

The concept:

Jung speaks of the shadow — the aspects of ourselves that we refuse to acknowledge. For women, the shadow can contain:

• Jealousy (which we refuse to admit)
• Competition (which we reject as "unfeminine")
• Anger (which we consider unacceptable)
• The desire for dominance (which we deny)

Working with the shadow:

Instead of denying these aspects, Jung invites us to acknowledge them, understand them, and integrate them in a healthy way.

Concrete example:

Instead of: "I am never jealous, it's the other women who are competitive"

Jungian integration: "I recognise that I feel jealousy sometimes. It is a human emotion. I can understand it without letting it dictate my behaviour"

Stoic philosophy: what depends on us

The principle:

The Stoics remind us that we cannot control:

• What others think of us
• Society's beauty standards
• The comparisons of social media
• The expectations of others

But we can control:

• Our own judgements
• Our values
• Our choices
• Our emotional reactions

Concrete example:

Instead of: "I must be thin and young to be beautiful"

Stoic wisdom: "I choose to take care of my body in a reasonable way, but my worth does not depend on my appearance. What others think of me does not depend on me."

Practical exercises to step out of female competition

Exercise 1: comparison journal (1 week)

Goal: Become aware of your comparison patterns

Instructions:

Each evening, note:

1. Who did I compare myself to today?
2. In which area? (appearance, career, motherhood, etc.)
3. What emotion did it provoke? (jealousy, inspiration, sadness, etc.)
4. Did this behaviour serve me or exhaust me?

At the end of the week:

Identify the recurring patterns. Ask yourself:

• Do I compare myself more in certain areas?
• Are there certain people who trigger more of my comparison?
• Do I compare myself more when I am tired/stressed?

Exercise 2: social media detox (1 week)

Goal: Reduce social comparison

Instructions:

1. Delete or hide all social media applications
2. Note each day:

• How do I feel without social media?
• Do I compare myself less?
• What am I doing with this freed-up time?

3. At the end of the week, decide:

• Which applications do I keep?
• How much time do I spend on them at most per day?
• Which accounts do I follow/unfollow?

What research says:

Women who reduce their exposure to social media report:

• An improvement in body image within a few weeks
• A reduction in social anxiety
• An increase in life satisfaction

Exercise 3: a compassion letter to yourself

Goal: Practise self-compassion

Instructions:

Imagine that a friend comes to you in tears, feeling inferior to other women. Write her a compassion letter.

Now, reread this letter and change "you" to "I". It is your letter to yourself.

Guiding questions:

• What would you say to a friend who constantly compares herself?
• What qualities would you see in her that she doesn't see in herself?
• How would you encourage her to be kind to herself?

Exercise 4: identify your true values

Goal: Define your own criteria of success

Instructions:

1. Make a list of 10 values that are important to you

• (Examples: family, authenticity, creativity, spirituality, health, friendship, etc.)

2. Rank them in order of importance
3. For each value, ask yourself:

• Does this value truly come from me? Or from social pressure?
• How can I live this value in my daily life?
• What am I willing to sacrifice for this value?

4. Refer back to this list when you feel in competition

Example:

Instead of: "I must succeed in my career to be a modern woman"

Check: Is "career" in your top 3 values? If not, why do you feel obliged to prioritise it?

Exercise 5: practise authentic sisterhood

Goal: Transform competition into connection

Instructions:

For 1 month, do one action per week to support another woman:

• Week 1: sincerely compliment a woman you admire
• Week 2: listen to a woman share her struggles without trying to "fix" her
• Week 3: celebrate another woman's success even if you feel jealous
• Week 4: offer your help to a woman who needs it

After each action, note:

• How do I feel?
• Did it strengthen our relationship?
• Did it reduce my own competition?

Summary of key points

What to remember

1. Contemporary women face unprecedented pressure

• Triple burden: career, motherhood, beauty
• Contradictory demands: be everything to everyone
• Constant comparison: social media, media, peers

2. This pressure creates relational vulnerabilities

• Some women become controlling/manipulative through exhaustion
• Others develop toxic competitive behaviours
• The majority suffer in silence from the mental and emotional load

3. Female competition, a debated lens

• Some work (notably Campbell, 1999) suggests that women are just as competitive as men, but through other routes
• Female competition is there described through comparison, self-monitoring, relational aggression — a contested lens, to be handled with care (see the methodological note)
• Social media massively exacerbates this comparison

4. It is possible to step out of female competition

• Become aware of the patterns
• Understand the roots (social pressures, insecurities)
• Consciously choose your own values
• Practise self-compassion
• Cultivate authentic sisterhood

5. The universal wisdoms converge on this path

• Al-Ghazâlî: the virtues (wisdom, courage, continence, justice) against toxic competition
• Jung: integrate the shadow (jealousy, competition) instead of denying it
• Stoicism: focus on what depends on us, not on the judgement of others

A message of hope

The contemporary pressure on women is real, but it is not a fate. By becoming aware of the patterns, by consciously choosing your values, and by practising compassion toward yourself and other women, it is possible to step out of toxic competition and live a more authentic relationship — with yourself, with other women, and with partners.

Lucidity is the first step toward freedom.